In the third episode of The Calcio Parody, a special guest is joining us live in the Cult of Calcio’s studios in Amsterdam. He is one of Italy’s most famous film directors, the king of image rights himself, Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis is here for an exclusive interview:
*** REMINDER: This is parody. No presidents were really harmed in the making of this episode. Nor were they interviewed, if truth be told ***
CoC: First of all, thank you for joining us, Sir. It’s a big honor to have someone of your status here in our humble studios.
De Laurentiis: Oh, so you call this a studio? How sweet. You should drop by one of my filming sites someday and I’ll show you what a real studio looks like. Anyway I’m only here because I owe my man Diego Ottaviano a favor. So let’s get done with it real quick, kid.
CoC: Well we’re glad to have you anyway. We would also like to take the opportunity to congratulate you on your demolishing 6-0 win against Genoa. You must have been ecstatic with the performance.
De Laurentiis: Meh. Not really. I have about 17 attackers in my squad this season, so this result means that more than half of them failed to score.
CoC: Let’s talk about the transfer market. It seems like you and Manchester City failed to find an agreement over the transfer of Kalidou Koulibaly. Can you tell us why the negotiations broke down?
De Laurentiis: What is this? Amateur hour? Check your facts son, I never fail. Not now. Not ever. You see I’m a reasonable man. I know how business is done. So I tell the sheikhs “Koulibaly is all yours, just give me my money and I’m out.” I give them a decent proposal and they FAIL to pay up. See, that’s failure! Or just look around you, all of this imaginary “studio.” More Failure! You! Sheikhs! FAILURE! Not me! I’m a WINNER!
CoC: So what exactly was your price for Koulibaly?
De Laurentiis: Only his true market value. 267 million Euros.
CoC: Excuse me President but isn’t it a little bit excessive? I don’t think the market experts would agree on your evaluation.
De Laurentiis: And what does an amateur like you know about the valuations of the experts from Radio Kiss Kiss? The most well informed journalists in all of Italy. Now tell me something, kid. If the sheikhs believe that John Stones is worth 55 million Euros, then wouldn’t Kalidou be considered a steal at 267 million?
CoC: You do have a point, Sir. Now let’s move on to another topic. Arkadiusz Milik wanted to leave the club and join Roma. You wanted him out of Napoli as well. And Roma wanted him as their new striker. So how come that a deal failed to materialize?
De Laurentiis: Because bad things happen to people who aren’t good to me. We gave this guy everything. We always believed in him. We kept waiting for him to come back from his injuries and never signed a replacement…
CoC: But you did buy strikers like Leonardo Pavoletti, Roberto Inglese, and Fernando Llorente...
De Laurentiis: I meant a real placement… So how does Milik repay my favors? He joined Lorenzo Insigne’s mutiny last season! So I had to punish him along with the other clowns and take some paychecks from them. But this guy asks to leave the club and has the audacity to ask back for the revoked payments. So he turns his back on Neapolitans and he wants to take their money as well. Not during my lifetime!
CoC: Well it’s technically your money, Sir. So basically there are still some consequences for last season’s mutiny.
De Laurentiis: No no, the mutiny is in the past now. Let’s hear it from the ring leader himself. Lorenzo, can you please step forward.
Insigne: As a Neapolitan native and club captain, I shall forever be thankful for the kindness and generosity of our president. From this moment and until my last I swear full allegiance for Aurelio De Laurentiis, who I justly consider as a father figure for the entire people of Nap…
De Laurentiis: Ok, you don’t have to recite it all. You can go play with Ciro Mertens now. And no mutinies this time!
Insigne: Ok, Aurel… Father?
De Laurentiis: Kids… You must always make sure they’re well-behaved. So about that Polish bad apple, let’s make it clear. He did apologize for his behavior, went down to one knee, kissed my hand and asked for forgiveness, so I told him I’ll consider allowing him to leave if a decent offer was brought to the table. He was very thankful for my kindness, kissed my hand again and then left.
CoC: I definitely don’t mean to doubt your story sir, but we’ll try to contact Milik so he can tell us his own version of the situation.
De Laurentiis: Oh you can try, son. But I’m afraid you can’t.
CoC: Why not?
De Laurentiis: Because I still own his image rights! HAHAHAHAHA. I’ll tell you what. You ask me any question and I’ll reply on Mr. Milik’s behalf. It’s a special two for one offer, just for you kid! HAHAHAHA.
CoC: Uhm, okay. Mr. De Laurentiis, everyone. Please join us next time for a fresh new Calcio Parody episode, and some fresh new crazy guests.