Live from The Cult of Calcio Studios in Amsterdam, we proudly present our first ever episode (and possibly the last) of The Calcio Parody, your home for all the latest spicy news in Italian football.
From interviews with your favorite Serie A stars, managers, and presidents, to some delicious exclusive footage never seen before, we uncover all the stories in a way that the so-called “experts” can only dream of.
Disclaimer: No player, manager, director, president, or fan was harmed during the taping of this episode…Well, except for whichever Napoli player was on the receiving end of Gattuso’s traditional head squeeze during the victory celebration on Sunday. We wouldn’t be able to save him even if we tried (and we definitely didn’t)
Who’s That Guy at Juventus Left-Back?
Anyway, we kick off our episode with an exclusive CoC (it’s an abbreviation for the Cult of Calcio, get used to it! ) footage from the Juventus locker-room containing a friendly conversation between new manager Andrea Pirlo and Director of Sports Fabio Paratici, right before the match between the Bianconeri and Sampdoria.
Paratici: Oh Andrea, I just heard about Alex Sandro’s injury and I came to check on the formation, because, you know, for some reason that I still didn’t quite figure out myself, I’m planning on loaning out your other left-back…But surely you’re not gonna make me BUY another one right? Hey, maybe we can test Rugani on the left flank since he’s already here and have lots of free time…
Pirlo: It’s ok Fabio, I figured that out already. Meet Gianluca Frabotta. He’s starting tonight.
Paratici: Gianluca who??? Where did this guy come from? And since when do I pay for new left-backs???
Pirlo: Calm down, Fabio. We didn’t pay for him, he was already a part of our club. From the U-23 squad.
Paratici: Oh, that can’t be! I heard the president mentioning the tale of the U-23 squad once or twice but I never actually saw any of these “future stars” before. I thought they were some fictional characters or something. Hey, can I touch him?
Pirlo: Go ahead, but don’t freak him out, he’s not used to administrative attention.
Paratici: What a genius idea Andrea! How did you find out about these guys?
Pirlo: Well I did train them for two hours and a half or so before Memphis Depay got me a promotion. Anyway, I did find some interesting talents among their ranks.
Paratici: Wait, so you’re saying that every time we need a new player we can just call one of those for free instead of buying someone? That’s the best news I heard since Higuain’s early contract termination! Hey, do you think they have a striker that we can – you know – borrow for a little while until we find you a suitable option on this crazy market?
Pirlo: Ugh. No, Fabio, they only have left-backs in there. All 27 of them.
Paratici: HAHAHA, good one, Andrea. Anyway, you pick ANY striker you want from this U-17 or whatever squad, and I’ll personally pay for his bus ticket.
Pirlo: That’s very generous from you, Fabio.
Paratici: Oh don’t even mention it, Andrea. It costs way less than a crooked Italian passport if you know what I mean, eh?
Pirlo: My lawyer advised me against knowing the meaning of anything you say, Fabio. No offense.
Paratici: None taken, buddy. I feel that you and I will be the new Marotta-Conte partnership, even bigger!
Pirlo: I’m very excited about our new partnership.
Paratici: Are you?
Pirlo: Sure, look at my face, can’t you see one of my excitement expressions?
Paratici: Umm, yeah sure, I think I might be seeing it now.
Happy Birthday, Amadou!
Moving on to our second segment of The Calcio Parody. We’re now joined by former Roma general secretary Pantaleo Longo who has recently resigned from his post at the capital club, taking responsibility for a player registration mistake that ended up costing the club a “small” sanction.
CoC: Thank you for joining us, Mr. Longo. First of all, does the date July 17 mean anything to you?
Longo: Of course it does, silly! It’s Amadou Diawara’s birthday. I memorize the birthdays of every single player of mine.
CoC: That’s very impressive, Sir. So you always make sure you do all the necessary procedures concerning these dates, right?
Longo: You can bet your life on it! Do you think any fool can become a general secretary?
CoC: Well…
Longo: Let me tell you how I operate, Kiddo. On July 17, we had a “Happy Birthday Amadou” cake prepared for Diawara – a strawberry cake – his favorite. Then we uploaded a video montage for his best moments in a Roma jersey – all three of them. We also sent him an old-fashioned birthday card signed by our next captain Lorenzo Pellegrini…
Pellegrini: Wait, I’m the captain now? So you’re telling me I’m getting sold next summer???
CoC: Ok, allow me to interrupt you for a second, but what about changing Diawara’s registration to the senior squad? As you know he’s over 22 now.
Longo: Man, I don’t get this Italian system. All-day long you get analysts claiming all sorts of silly theories, like “Hey, look at Ronaldo, he’s got the body of a 25-year-old”, or “Ibrahimovic plays like he’s still 28” and “Berlusconi has the appetite of a 16-year-old.” So I register the guy as if he’s two months younger and suddenly everyone is so precise with that age matter.
CoC: I understand your point Sir, and salute your decision to take full responsibility and resign. But don’t you think that getting linked to a post at Hellas Verona, just a few days after committing a mistake that cost your former club a 3-0 defeat to Verona itself, could be perceived as a suspicious activity by your part?
Longo: Suspicious?? What’s so suspicious about a man who wants to move for a new appreciative work environment? I spent years at Roma making birthday cakes and no one even knows my name until a few days ago. On the other hand, I haven’t moved to Verona yet and people are already chanting my name in the streets. These people know a quality general secretary when they see one. Come on sing with me everybody: LONGO LONGO LONGO…
Ok, that’s all the time we have on the program for today, tune in for our next episode of The Calcio Parody when we’ll be joined by Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis, and we’ll also be uncovering whatever crazy news emerging from the crazy world of Italian football… well, unless we get sued or canceled, of course!