The Calcio Parody: An Exclusive Interview with Zlatan Ibrahimovic

The Cult of Calcio unproudly welcomes you to the sixth edition of its exclusively confusing special feature, otherwise known as The Calcio Parody. After covering the violent International break in our last episode, actual football is mercifully back to our screens, and we’d like to celebrate the occasion with an exclusive interview with the legendary Zlatan Ibrahimovic, live from the Milan locker-room, as the Swedish giant showcases his leadership skills. 

DISCLAIMER: Please note that this is only a parody article. This is NOT a real interview. Unfortunately we’re not yet rich enough to get an actual interview with the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Theo Hernandez or Andrea Conti… ok maybe not Conti, but with your continuous following and support we might be able to get these interviews for real in the future… Though they wouldn’t be as funny as these ones! So hopefully you’ll enjoy our parodies and keep following the rest of our unique coverage of the beloved Italian football. 

CoC: The Cult of Calcio is delighted to be here inside the Milan locker-room, interviewing one of the true greats of the game, the legendary Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Thank you for taking the time Zlatan. 

Ibrahimovic: Zlatan welcomes you to Zlatan’s lockers. 

CoC: Oh that’s nice, I see we’re speaking in the third person. 

Ibrahimovic: No we’re not. Zlatan sometimes speaks in third person because Zlatan is a living god. No one knows who you are, so make sure to speak like the rest of the mortals. 

CoC: Fair enough. Ever since you’ve made your triumphant return to Milan, it seems as if you’ve been showcasing your leadership skills, driving this young group of players into a brighter future. 

Ibrahimovic: Well, being the team’s captain is a big responsibility… 

Romagnoli: Hey I’m the captain of the team! 

Ibrahimovic: Say one more word Angelo and you’re no longer allowed to wear that little armband that your grandma sewed for you. 

Romagnoli: It’s actually Alessio… But never mind, I’ll shut up. 

Ibrahimovic: As I was saying, I’m not here to change the dynamics of the squad, I’m just happy to be at the disposal of the team and be helpful to my beloved teammates. 

Castillejo: Here you go Mr. Ibrahimovic, your caffe latte, just the way you love it. 

Ibrahimovic: Thank you, Suso. But you really didn’t have to. 

Castillejo: It’s Samu. And of course I had to, remember 10 minutes ago when you said: “Hey Suso, go get me my caffe latte or I’ll beat the… 

Ibrahimovic: Well Zlatan appreciates your kindness anyway. So where were we? Right, these guys all look up to Zlatan. And not just because they’re shorter, but you see, they haven’t had the chance to be around a true legend before. 

Daniel Maldini: Actually I’ve met a legend before. I call him “Dad.”

Ibrahimovic: Oh that’s nice. And didn’t your ancient “Dad” teach you to shut up when grown-ups are talking? I’ll tell you what, from now on, you’ll be calling me “Big Daddy,” while you’ll be known to everyone else in here as Big daddy’s little… 

Saelemaekers: Mr. Ibrahimovic, your glass of red wine. 

Ibrahimovic: About time. Thanks Used Carsaelsman. 

Saelemaekers: it’s Alexis Saelemaekers. 

Ibrahimovic: It’s a silly name anyway. Cheers. 

CoC: Excuse me Zlatan. I’m not an expert on the matter but I don’t think that drinking a glass of wine right before a training session is a good example for the younger players. 

Ibrahimovic: I agree. 

CoC: Well I’m glad you do. It’s not good for your performance either… 

Ibrahimovic: I don’t agree on THAT. You said that you’re not an expert on the matter and that’s what Zlatan agrees on. So keep your advice to yourself. Why do you think I was so eager to come back to Italy? So I can enjoy the company of the likes of you? I dearly missed this vintage red. Speaking of Italian goodies, Donatello, I need you to take my Duffy Duck mug and make me a cup of cappuccino. 

Duarte: I’m Leonardo. 

Ibrahimovic: I don’t care which Ninja turtle you are. Just get me my cappuccino. Back to our topic. It’s not easy to be the locker-room leader, because it’s up to you to teach them all about respect and humility. Especially the new ones. Hey you, the kid from the seventies, why don’t you be kind enough and refill my cup of wine. 

Tonali: You must have mistaken me for one of your servants. I’m Sandro Tonali, Brescia’s golden boy. I’m no one’s servant. 

Ibrahimovic: Oh, a defiant soul this one. Look around you golden bench-warmer, does it look like Brescia to you? You’re in Zlatan’s town now. So you either refill my cup or I karate-kick you back to your Serie B friends. 

Tonali: Ahhh, the things I do for playing time. 

Ibrahimovic: That’s better. You see, Zlatan must be firm, yet fair. It’s like my duty towards these guys. It’s not as if I’m enjoying it. By the way I left some suits at the dry-cleaner. Calabria, Hernandez, why don’t you show me which full-back can overlap faster around the block. 

Hernandez: Like there’s any doubt. I’m the best left-back in the country. He’s not even the best right-back in the city. 

Calabria: Oh please! You’re not even the best left-back in your own family. 

Conti: Mr. Zlatan, I’m a full-back too, why don’t you include me as well. 

Ibrahimovic: Oh I’m sorry young man, I didn’t know that we’re getting visitors from the children’s hospital today. Wanna take a selfie with Zlatan? 

Conti: No I’m not a sick child, I’m an actual football player. 

Ibrahimovic: Of course you are, Champ! Come sit in Zlatan’s lap. 

Conti: Umm… Ok, why not. 

Çalhanoğlu: Zlatan! 

Ibrahimovic: Hey look, it’s the traitor who wants to leave for more money

Çalhanoğlu: What are you talking about? You left countless clubs for more money! 

Ibrahimovic: Indeed. But that was money that I actually deserved. And still I was always underpaid really. Unlike you. No sitting in Zlatan’s lap for you. 

Çalhanoğlu: Look I don’t care about the lap. Duarte just fell on the stairs on his way back to get your cappuccino. 

Ibrahimovic: Oh No! How’s he doing? 

Çalhanoğlu: Well it’s not too serious, but knowing Leo he’ll be out for about another 18 months or so. 

Ibrahimovic: Not the Ninja turtle! I meant my Duffy Duck mug. That one is my favorite. Go find out about it. 

Bonera: (whistles) Alright little ladies, the fun is over. Pioli has set me in charge now, so enough of the chit-chat, the session starts now. 

Ibrahimovic: Umm, excuse me Mr. Assistant. But the session starts whenever Zlatan says it starts. 

Bonera: Dear Zlatan. I see you haven’t changed one bit from the time you left us. You still lack respect… As well as a Champions League medal. Hahaha… So why don’t you show me some respect and maybe I’ll let you take a picture with my medal. 

Ibrahimovic: My old friend Bonera, why don’t you ask Kjaer over there what happens to mediocre defenders who try to pick up a fight with Zlatan. 

Kjær: You mean how they end up having a forgettable nomadic career until a struggling, falling from grace team decides to buy them due to an injury crisis? 

Ibrahimovic: Umm… Well to be fair that was more up to your limited skills rather than anything related to Zlatan. But the point is, when Zlatan gets angry, Zlatan hurts others. 

Bonera: Well yeah I still remember the Oguchi Onyewu fight too well. Forget what I said Zlatan, you’re the boss in here. But can I at least keep my coach’s whistle? I love the sound it makes. 

Ibrahimovic: I’ll think about it. 

Bonera: Hurray! 

Ibrahimovic: Respecting the technical staff is an important lesson. 

CoC: Indeed. Now tell us, Zlatan. Is this version of Milan reminiscent to the one that you were a part of 10 years ago? 

Ibrahimovic: Well, to be honest, it does feel like there’s something still missing from the old days. 

CoC: You mean your fellow legends? 

Ibrahimovic: Nah, why would you need other legends when you have a god?

CoC: The trophies maybe? 

Ibrahimovic: Take a look at the league table, we’ll get those trophies. But there’s something else that I can’t quite put my finger on. 

Daniel Maldini: Excuse me Zlat… Big Daddy, there’s a gentleman called Silvio waiting for you outside. 

Ibrahimovic: Silvio? Is he alone? 

Daniel Maldini: No, he’s accompanied by a bald driver… And a bunch of ladies. He wants you to join them for their “Bunga Bunga” party. Whatever that means. 

Ibrahimovic: Well, you’ll have to excuse me gentlemen, I think I’m beginning to feel the good old Milan vibes inside my bones once again. Forza Milan!!!