Unfortunately for comedy fans, there ain’t many funny things going on in Serie A right now. Antonio Conte is slowly killing off the competition towards an expected Scudetto triumph, and there’s absolutely nothing funny about that – at least for the other 19 Serie A club supporters.
On the other hand, Milan are having a mini mid-season collapse whilst Juventus were once again eliminated from the Champions League. Now these things used to be funny in the past, but the joke is beginning to run its course. Oh and let’s not even talk about the dull international break.
Therefore, in order to find an entertaining topic, The Calcio Parody had to dig deep all the way down the Serie B (Ugh) where some old Milan folks are enjoying their post-retirement days by pretending to run an actual football club with a name that so far had been exclusively associated with a Formula 1 racetrack.
What could possibly go wrong?!
We’ll go live inside the club’s headquarters (they have one?!) where owner Silvio Berlusconi and his CEO (AKA henchman) Adriano Galliani will be presenting coach Cristian Brocchi their latest signing.
Disclaimer: Once again we must remind you that this is parody and not a news article. So what you’re about to read below is purely fictional. Consider it a Tuttosport article, but maybe a little more likely to take place.
Berlusconi: Cristian, you’re here just in time.
Brocchi: Ok, I know what this is about. You want me to explain what happened in the 4-1 defeat against Venezia on Saturday.
Berlusconi: We lost on Saturday?
Galliani: We had a match on Saturday?
Berlusconi: No no. We’re sure you’ll overcome these upsets and stuff.
Galliani: Easily.
Brocchi: Will I?
Berlusconi: We’re here to discuss far more important topics. Like your latest signing!
Brocchi: Oh, that’s great! It’s about about time that we start signing some actual footballers. This squad is starting to get filled with old washed-up players, who are only here because they used to play for Milan at certain point of their dwindling careers.
Boateng: Hey, Mario and I are standing right here.
Balotelli: Why always us?
Brocchi: Well, next time try to show up on the pitch rather than the meeting room, my dear Prince. Anyways, who’s our new signing? Hoping for a young prospect here.
Galliani: We actually went for experience.
Brocchi: Oh boy.
Berlusconi: A former Milanista as well.
Brocchi: Here we go again.
Galliani: And won the Ballon d’Or.
Brocchi: Shoot me please!
Berlusconi: Come innnnnn Ronniiiiiiiie
Ronaldinho: Wazzuuuuup
Brocchi: Guys I just lost a match in a 4-1 result. Why don’t you just sack me and take me out of my misery. I’m begging you!
Berlusconi: HAHA Cristian, you have always been the funny one.
Brocchi: Not really. My friends say I have the humor of a potato head.
Boateng: Mr. Ronaldinho, I’m a huge fan of yours. As a kid I would always try to imitate your moves.
Balotelli: And what a waste of time that turned out to be.
Boateng: Hey Mario, you know what’s the difference between you and Ronaldinho. When he tries to break into a prison, he actually succeeds.
Berlusconi: There you go Cristian. You’re welcome.
Brocchi: Welcome? He just celebrated his 41st birthday two days ago.
Ronaldinho: Biiiiiig Partyyyy
Brocchi: The last time he played anything resembling to football was inside a Paraguayan prison.
Ronaldinho: Plea Deal!!
Berlusconi: He still got the moves.
Balotelli: The moves for Rumba most likely.
Berlusconi: Plus I’m very fond of him. He used to date my daughter.
Ronaldinho: Boss daughter??
Berlusconi: Yes. Barbara.
Ronaldinho: Ronnie know many Barbaras. What’s she like?
Galliani: Silvio, that was actually Pato. Another Brazilian player.
Berlusconi: Hmm, perhaps.
Brocchi: Look, we can’t go on with these superstar signings. We need young men who can actually run and fight for the team.
Berlusconi: Relax, Cris. We know what we’re doing. From now on we promise you we’ll only sign players who will fit your standards.
Brocchi: Thank you, Sir. I’m relieved to hear so.
Berlusconi: Plus It’s not like we’re signing every big star that walks through this door.
(Lewis Hamilton walks through the door)
Hamilton: Excuse me, gentlemen. I’m looking for the Monza circuit. Can anyone help me.?
Brocchi: Sure, I’ll show you the way.
Berlusconi: Wait a second…
Brocchi: Dear Lord. Just get out of here, quick!
Berlusconi: Cristian, you’re being rude to our guest. Come in, son. I know who you are.
Hamilton: Most people do actually.
Balotelli: Show off.
Berlusconi: You used to date the lovely Nicole from the infamous Pussycat Dolls!
Hamilton: Well, most people recognize me as the seven-time F1 champion, but I guess you can say so.
Boateng: I didn’t know that Silvio is so in-touch with pop culture.
Balotelli: Well, it’s known that he’s a fan of “dolls.”
Boateng: Would you say that he likes “cats” as well?
Ronaldinho: Silvio loves p….
Brocchi: Ok that’s enough you three stooges! Look, Silvio, I believe we already made enough publicity stunts. Just let this one slip.
Berlusconi: Publicity stunt? Not at all. Consider it a charitable work. This poor man was dumped by a stunning diva.
Hamilton: Well, she didn’t exactly dump me….
Berlusconi: He must be heartbroken, Cristian.
Hamilton: That was actually several years ago. I moved on now.
Berlusconi: Monza must offer him the chance to prove that he’s more than just an irrelevant ex-boyfriend of a gorgeous pop singer.
Hamilton: I actually hold the record for most Grand-Prix victories in F1 history.
Berlusconi: Yeah yeah, I’m sure you tried your best to fill that deep hole within your soul, but I’ll turn you into a real star.
Hamilton: I appreciate the offer, Sir. But I have to go now. The Mercedes team must be waiting for me on track.
Berlusconi: Mercedes?! Why would you drive a German car when I can offer you a brand new Lamborghini.
Galliani: I don’t think we can afford to buy him one, Silvio.
Berlusconi: Ok then, we’ll just give him Mario’s.
Balotelli: No way! I love that car.
Berlusconi: Which is why you should be happy to hand it over for someone who wouldn’t wreck it by the first tree he encounters.
Balotelli: Makes sense.
Galliani: No worries, Mario. We’ll get you a nice Fiat. It would be like playing for Juve.
Balotelli: How fun.
Hamilton: Well, I guess I can give this footy thing a try. We have a deal.
Berlusconi: Awesome! Adriano, tell the the kit-men to start making jerseys with “Nicole’s Ex” on the back.
Brocchi: I give up now. You are the most incompetent club owner that I’ve ever seen. You wrecked what had once been the Big Milan, and now you’re using this poor club as a political tool for your own interest. I had enough of this. I quit!
Berlusconi: Adriano, What’s wrong with Cris?
Galliani: Oh, he’s just doing his little Antonio Conte imitation. Just play along, he’ll calm down in a minute.
Berlusconi: Oh, I see. You’re right Cristian, I’ve been a baaaad owner. I’m veeeeery sorry. This will never ever ever happen again. I give you my word.
Brocchi: Just cut it. I know you’re being satirical.
Berlusconi: Well maybe a little bit. But come on Cris, don’t go now. We’ll have fun. Look at these guys, they all want you to stay.
Boateng: I’m not sure about that.
Balotelli: As long as you don’t replace him with Mourinho.
Ronaldinho: We’ll do parties!
Hamilton: Is he the one in charge of changing tires around here?
Brocchi: Oh god. Well, I have no better place to go. So I guess I’m staying here. Let’s go gentlemen, we’ll play two-against-two in training.
Ronaldinho: Winners get cigarettes and toilet paper!
Hamilton: Should I put my helmet on during training sessions?
Balotelli: Only when Prince is practicing his shooting.
Boateng: You little…