Just when you think that the Calcio Parody is gone for good, we somehow manage to force our way back after some bickering, moaning and emotional pleads. Speaking of forcing comebacks by bickering, moaning and emotional pleads, Romelu Lukaku sealed his “long-awaited” Inter return following an awkward year at Chelsea, featuring a giant Belgian, a mad German scientist, a Russian oligarch with international sanctions and a new American boss (this has all the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster).
Anyway, Big Rom is back and the Calcio Parody takes you behind the scenes for his homecoming party.
PS: Please note that this is a satire article and the events below only take place in the silly and immature imagination of the author…. Unless you insist on believing it, and in this case, hats off to you!
Marotta: Ok folks, he’ll be here any second, so brace yourselves. Alexis, get on the piano, and try to pretend playing it this time. Everyone else, sing in a chorus “I’m coming home”. Except for you, Radu. You’ll find a way to botch it, so just stay out of the way, please.
Dzeko: I don’t remember anyone throwing me a party when I arrived last year.
Barella: Hey look! Someone has arrived. Is it him?
Marotta: Hmm, I was expecting someone slightly taller. Who are you? Come forward, son!
Dybala: Oh it’s “him” indeed. Hail the gods, your savior has arrived!
Marotta: Oh… Paulo. I… wasn’t expecting to see you today.
Dybala: Haha. You still have your sense of humor, Beppe.
Marotta: Do I?
Dybala: Yeah I mean we’ve been talking for months and now you’re throwing this BIG party for your BIG signing. So here’s your BIG signing before your eyes! Now tell me, where do you want me sign?
Marotta: Ok, this is slightly embarrassing, but we kinda have a different BIG signing coming over today.
Dybala: What?!!! You’re not signing me?!
Marotta: Oh no I wouldn’t say so, my dear child. It’s just that we need a little bit more time to reflect on the matter.
Dybala: But you gave me your word, Beppe!
Marotta: So did Juventus.
Dybala: But you said you’re different!
Marotta: Oh I surely am. They’re a bunch amateurs and I’m the big sexy master of the whole craft. Now if you can excuse us, we have some important business to conduct. We’ll talk again… in August or something.
Lautaro: Marotta, you big jerk. No one talks to my boy Paulo like that.
Dybala: You tell him, Lautaro! I knew you’d back me up.
Lautaro: So either you go and grab a contract with Dybala’s name on it, or you can book me on the first flight to Paris.
Skriniar: No way! I’m the one going to Paris! Inter needs money and I’m willing to sacrifice myself for the cause and accept PSG’s eight million euros per season as net wages… Oh, the things I’m willing to do for the Nerazzurri.
Lautaro: But I’d bring more money to the club. And there’s now way I’m staying for another season without a proper striking partner.
Dzeko: I thought I was your proper striking partner. Your words hurt.
Marotta: Calm down, Lautaro. Your wish has been granted.
Lautaro: Paris?
Marotta: Nah I already promised Skrinny that one.
Skriniar: Bang!
Marotta: But I got you the striking partner of your dreams.
Lautaro: The pre-PSG version of Messi?
Marotta: Lukaku!
Lautaro: Don’t you dare mess with me you bald prick! If if turns out to be Jordan Lukaku, you can take contract renewal and sh…
Lukaku: Hey, Lautaro. Missed you, buddy!
Lautaro: Rom! Hey, man. I was just congratulating dear Mr. Marotta for the brilliant job he’s doing on the market.
Marotta: Thanks, Lautaro. No need to really.
Lautaro: Hey, Paulo, why don’t you pick up your rags and leave this place as Mr. Marotta had requested.
Dybala: But I thought I’m your boy! Why do I keep attracting traitors?!
Lautaro: Just take your miserable mood somewhere else before I call security. My real boy Rom is back, and it’s time to celebrate. No party crashers allowed!
Lukaku: Exactly, you too, Calhanoglu!
Lautaro: No actually Hakan is one of us now. He just had a major scuffle with your old nemesi Zlatan.
Lukaku: Cool. So you stood in front of that no-good-SOB and talked smack about his wife?
Calhanoglu: No, I just said some mean things about him in an interview. Like how old he is.
Lukaku: Mmm nasty stuff.
Calhanoglu: I know, right?
Lukaku: Anyway, I’m glad to be back. Even if had to send a formal apology for every member of the Inter Utlras and sign a contract that forces me to become Steven Zhang’s BFF.
Marotta: Hey I have something for you champ. Your old number 9 jersey!
Dzeko: Oh come on! This is my number! I still have contract for another year you know. Why isn’t anyone talking to me. Am I invisible? I’m 6ft 4 for god’s sake!
Vidal: Psst, Edin. If you want Beppe to notice you, just remind him of your cute little wages.
Dzeko: You mean my 9.25 million euros per year?
Marotta: Oh, Edin! I haven’t noticed you around. Anyway, I was wondering. Have you ever visited the United States? They have some stunning beaches in Miami, or perhaps LA. Oh and their MLS teams are generous in their salaries. And for a big guy like you, you can a have career in Hollywood after retiring from the sport. You’ll be the next Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Dzeko: I’m not going to that retirement home. I’m 36, but still good enough to school any of your schmuck defenders who dare stand in my way.
Handanovic: Look buddy. At a certain age, a man should know when to step down and fade away.
Marotta: I’m glad you think so, Samir. Because there’s someone I want you meet.
Onana: Sup’
Handanovic: Who’s this guy?
Marotta: Say hi to André Onana. Our new goalkeeper.
Handanovic: Oh I see what you’re trying to do here. You’re giving me a burial why I’m still alive.
Marotta: Samir, I’m shocked and disappointed by your words. Onana is only here to act as backup.
Onana: Oh yes, a “backup”. More like a pickup when his old bones scatter around the place.
Handanovic: We already have a backup. What’s wrong with Radu?
Radu: Come on, dude. Even I know the answer for this one. Welcome André. Now someone please take me out of my misery.
Handanovic: I don’t like this one bit. And I don’t like this new guy either.
Onana: Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
Handanovic: I’m going to hate both, so mind your own business, newbie.
Inzaghi: Romelu, my love! You’re back! Oh how much I missed you my dear friend.
Lukaku: Missed me? I only knew you for a like a week.
Inzaghi: And it was a heck of a week. Can I get a hug?
Lukaku: Umm ok, but just don’t touch me in creepy way.
Inzaghi: Well it’s the only way I know.
Mourinho: Ugh, what kind of freak show are you running in here?
Marotta: What brings you here Mou? We’re celebrating the return of our lost child and I’m afraid there’s no place for you in here… Unless you’re interested in an Inter return yourself, and if so, let’s head to my office.
Inzaghi: Hey I’m standing right here.
Marotta: You are now. But tomorrow… who knows?
Inzgahi: I won two trophies last season.
Marotta: So did Andrea Pirlo.
Mourinho: Ok I don’t want to get involved in your awkward love-hate relationship. Just wanted to let you know that Lukaku’s return won’t make any difference, because Roma is winning the Scudetto last season. Wanna know why?
Barella: Every other team will be relegated due to a new scandal?
Mourinho: Because we’re the ones who have the best Chelsea reject. Isn’t that right Tam Tam?
Abraham: You know it, boss.
Lukaku: Come on. Everyone knows that I’m the all-time best Chelsea reject, and you and your skinny boy over there know it as well.
Abraham: Wanna try me, meathead? There can only be one ultimate Chelsea reject in here.
Tomori: Did I hear you saying “Chelsea reject”? Bring it on!
Marotta: Ok now it’s getting out of control
Cuadrado: I was a Chelsea reject before Mo Salah made it cool. Who wants a piece of me?
Sarri: Now that’s a Sarrismo party.
Inzaghi: Who invited all of these people?
Dybala: I did
Marotta: I thought I told you to leave.
Dybala: I did leave. But then I decided to come back with my new allies. These are ambitious and powerful men who share my resentment for all of you.
Berlusconi: In other words, Big daddy’s back!
Galliani: Officers, arrest these men.
Marotta: Wait… What?
Mourinho: What did we do?
Dybala: You’re all a bunch of frauds, schemers and backstabbers who repeatedly lied to my face with your fake promises.
Berlusconi: Tsk tsk. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find honest men these days, Paulo. Come let’s go to Monza and let the police officers do their job.
Galliani: Hey, Paulo, come meet your new teammate. He’s also from Argentina. He’ll be joining us on the trip.
Icardi: Oh I’d love to Adriano. But as you can see, some of ex-teammates are going to jail, so someone has to stay behind and “console” their loved ones.
Berlusconi: Ha! I like this kid already.
Galliani: Ahh, it’s good to be back!