The Calcio Parody: Juventus Players “Prepare” for Napoli Match

The Calcio Parody returns for the 4th episode of The Cult of Calcio feature (Yes, we can’t believe we haven’t been canceled yet either) as we tackle the weekend’s chaotic fixture between Juventus and Napoli. While the Partenopei players never took the flight to Turin in the first place, Andrea Pirlo’s men maintained their matchday routine. Our exclusive audio footage for today comes from the Juventus locker-room at the Allianz stadium as the Bianconeri players prepare for their “match” against Napoli.

DISCLAIMER: Please note that this is a parody article, and we weren’t there to confirm whether the next scene is true or not. But for those claiming that this scene is all false, we say, “you weren’t there either, so how can you tell?”

Pirlo: Ok guys, I’ll name the starting formation and then we’ll be out for the final warm-up.

Chiellini: Um, Boss, I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say, we are not too comfortable with the whole situation. Do we really have to go on with this madness?

Pirlo: Oh we absolutely should, Giorgio! As long as our dear president wants us to keep it going. You’re a smart Phd guy, right? So tell me, if Agnelli fired the last two guys who were here in my seat, what would he do to me if I don’t obey his orders? Anyways, Carlo, you’ll play on goal.

Pinsoglio: Me?! Really?! In your face naysayers! This is truly the greatest day in my life! I’m calling grandma.

Pirlo: You earned it, Carlo! In defense, as usual, Danilo, Bonucci and Chiellini. And Leo, try not to get nutmegged for the whole match this time.

Bonucci: Don’t worry, Boss. I have a feeling it won’t happen at all tonight.

Pirlo: That’s the spirit. As for the left side, it’s all yours, Mattia. 

De Sciglio: You’re kidding me, right? In the first match you played a nobody from the U-23 squad. In the second, you moved Cuadrado to the left, for God’s sake. And now you pick to start a match that won’t even take place?! Am I a joke to this club?

Pinsoglio: What does he mean by “won’t take place”?

Buffon: Never mind, Carlo. Keep on with your breathing exercises. But don’t exhaust yourself before the kick-off.

Pirlo: You see, Mattia, that’s the type of negative spirit that is keeping you away from fulfilling your early promise as the next Maldini of Italian football.

Paratici: Gentlemen, we’ve just received the news that Napoli won’t be of the match.


Buffon: Breath, Carlo! Breath!

De Sciglio: Oh, who would have thought. Look at me. I’m shocked…

Paratici: That’s it. I’m sending you to Lyon as a punishment!

De Sciglio: A punishment? What’s so bad about playing for a top French side?

Paratici: I meant a punishment for Lyon. We’re still bitter about last season’s Champions League elimination.

Chiellini: So what happens now? 

Paratici: Well if we’re lucky enough we could get rewarded with a 3-0 win, how about that? 

Ronaldo: Another hat-trick for the CR7, Siuuuuuuu!

Dybala: You can’t claim every imaginary goal for yourself. Maybe they weren’t all penalty-kicks after all. 

Ronaldo: Oh yeah? and who else would score? You aren’t even fit to play. 

Dybala: It’s a fantasy score. I can be fit in a fantasy world. 

Morata: Hey, what if I was the one who grabbed a goal or two? 

Ronaldo: HAHAHAHAHA. Even in Paulo’s fantasy world this wouldn’t make any sense.

Ronaldo and Dybala arguing on who scored Juventus’ goals against “Napoli”

Paratici: Andrea, can I have a word with you in private? I just wanted to assure you that we’re gonna give you that one last big signing. But first we’re working on offloading the dead wood. For instance, I was on the phone with a Bayern official, and we have a deal for Douglas Costa.

Pirlo: But Douglas didn’t seem too keen on leaving. Does he even know it? 

Paratici: Umm not yet. 

Pirlo: But you should probably tell him so he can prepare himself to leave. He’s right over there. 

Paratici: So you’d like to see him spit in face? I’ll inform him via whatsapp later. Spit and mucus may ruin my suit, but angry emojis will never hurt me.

Pirlo: And what about Khedira? Did you manage to terminate his contract yet? 

Paratici: Oh we’re having some positive talks. Check it out. Hey Sami, have I shown you the happy pictures of Higuain and Matuidi in sunny Miami? Maybe we can contact David Beck… 

Khedira: Nope.

Paratici: Ok, so what if… 

Khedira: Nope.

Paratici: See, Andrea, we’re making some progress. We’ll resume on the morrow. Anyway, I didn’t want to spoil it, but heck, I’m really excited about it. We’re signing Chiesa!!!

Pirlo: Well… He’s obviously a decent talent, but I’m just not convinced that he’s the one we need at the moment. 

Paratici: What??? You kidding man? This guy is the real deal! He’s fast, talented, explosive. He’s considered as one of the best young talents in Italian football, the future of the national team. He can play on both wings, but also in a central role, and he’s been firing on all cylinders for Fiorentina. So tell me Andrea, what could possibly go wrong in this one? 

(Glass shatters) 

Bernardeschi: Hey Fabio, I was just practicing some of my shooting techniques on the pitch , and I think I broke your Ferrari’s windshield…