The Calcio Parody: Mourinho Spoils King Conte’s Coronation

”This is going to be the best Scudetto battle in years”, ”The championship won’t be decided until the very last day, perhaps even the last minute”.

Yes, that’s the silly version of us at The Cult of Calcio only few months ago. Or maybe we were just trying to get some views with these big statements. Anyways, we were wrong, the Scudetto battle was a pretty dull one, and life goes on. Nonetheless, we have a new king in town, or more accurately a returning one, and The Calcio Parody is once again right on duty to cover the special occasion.

In today’s edition, Antonio Conte is throwing a coronation ceremony for himself to mark Inter’s Scudetto triumph, as he pronounces himself a monarch over the whole nation, and off course invites all other Serie A coaches to pay witness for the great event. So let’s see how it unfolds.

Disclaimer: Although this episode clearly and shamelessly includes references to one of the most famous TV series, unfortunately our limited budget prevented us from displaying fire-breathing dragons or zombies on-screen, so it will mostly be a bunch of football managers and players arguing around. Perhaps next season would be better in this department, but we’re not promising anything.

Lukaku: Welcome to the official coronation ceremony, His Grace will give you audience soon enough.

Pioli: I knew we shouldn’t come. We’re only here so he can rub it in our faces.

Pirlo: Now I’m just beginning to realize the size of the mess that I caused.

Gattuso: Arm yourselves with the best table knives you can find, I feel we’re being surrounded. No one will take me alive!

Gasperini: Well, I’m sure it’s not going to be that bad.

Handanovic: My lords, please remain standing for your returning king. Antonio of the House Conte, First of His Name, Lord of the Black and Blues, formerly of the Black and Whites, protector of the Italian Peninsula, the Baldness Slayer, the Ref’s Worst Nightmare, the….

Conte: Ok, I’ll take from here Samir… I mean Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.

S. Inzaghi: Why is he standing so high above us?

Fonseca: I can’t believe he’s wearing the Burger King crown.

Conte: My lords, welcome to the new era. The era of King Antonio.

Inter players: Long live the king! Long live the king!

Conte: After traveling beyond the seas, I decided to return to my native kingdom to prove a point.

F. Inzaghi: That you’ll manage whoever pays you more money?

Conte: No. That it doesn’t matter which side I’m taking. King Antonio always comes out on top.

Lautaro: Gee, thanks for all the credit.

Conte: You see, that’s why I’m standing here at this very moment, looking below at you underachievers. You will always find an excuse for losing, whilst I’m always planning ahead for my next big triumph.

Juric: How long should we take of this disgrace?

Pirlo: From the way Gennaro is mumblering to himself, I say it won’t last too long.

Gattuso: Everyday malakia, Everyday malakia…

Conte: (…) You think it’s easy to win with whiners like Eriksen in midfield? I had to convert him from a ballet dancer to an actual footballer (…)

Mihajlovic: He’s not even taking a breather.

Conte: (…) So I asked Marotta for Kolarov ten years ago, and the idiot buys him when he looks like a 53-year-old! Is this some kind of a joke? And don’t get me started on Vidal (…)

De Zerbi: I don’t get it. I thought he would be happy.

Pirlo: Oh he is happy. Trust me. This is the most cheerful he’s been in his life.

Conte: (…) Then the boy president from China calls me and asks for an explanation. Stick to video games, son (…)

Fonseca: Oh look, I just received a message from my management. It says I’m fired. Guess I no longer have to endure this. See ya losers.

Mihajlovic: Hey, did you lose all these embarrassing matches on purpose?

Fonseca: Nah, just got lucky. Smell ya..

Gasperini: I wonder who Roma will send as a replacement.

Ranieri: Hopefully not me again.

De Zerbi: Knowing them, it could be some dude they discovered from the Estonian league.

Nicola: Hahahah, or perhaps Zdenek Zeman again.

Pioli: Whoever it is, can’t wait for that next disaster.

Conte: (…) Which brings me to my main subject: Fabio Maresca (…)

Marotta: Antonio! You must hear this.

Conte: Everyone, meet my Master of Whispers.

Marotta: Well technically I’m the CEO, so you’re the one who works for me. But enough with the formalities, I have some major news from Roma.

Conte: Oh, are your little birds singing songs about some turbulence at my capital.

Marotta: Well it was more like my sources are tweeting tweets on Twitter. Apparently, Roma appointed a new coach.

Conte: And how does that concern my reign?

Marotta: Ugh, let me put it in your own medieval language. An Old King has returned to challenge for your throne.

Conte: Impossible. I have Allegri chained down in the dungeons. Which reminds me, Lord Pirlo, you will be my Warden of Piedmont. You will rule the region in my name.

Pirlo: Cool. Is there something I’m supposed to do then.

Conte: Absolutely not. You’re doing great as you are.

Pirlo: Ok, so I guess if you anything,  you’ll find me by the touchline staring at nothing in particular while stroking my beard as if I’ve I’m going to come up with a master plan…Your Grace.

Marotta: No, it’s not Allegri, it’s another former king. A “special” one.

Conte: Special? You mean he landed in the capital on the back of a gigantic dragon?

Marotta: Well, not exactly.

Conte: So he’s leading a massive army of zombies?

Marotta: I think my sources would have surely mentioned the zombies had they spotted some.

Conte: A magical red priestess?

Marotta: No! It’s none of it. He’s just good as setting up tactics. At least he used to be. Like famously parking the bus.

Conte: So am I supposed to be afraid of a king who parks buses? I have the fiercest warriors in the world.

Inter players: Long live the King! Long live the King!

Conte: Including the mighty Bjorn Ironside.

Skiriniar: How many times do I have to explain myself. I’m not a fierce Viking warrior. I just happen to look like the actor who plays the role on the TV series. I never held an axe in my life.

Conte: Then it’s about time you do so. Your king demands it, Bjorn!

Eriksen: I Think you’re now referring to a whole different TV show.

Conte: Well, I don’t have enough time to binge an entire series because I’m too busy managing you sorry lot, so these shows can all get confused in my head. Now shut up, Christian, or I’ll vote you off the island.

Milan Skriniar denies that he’s the actual Bjorn Ironside. We’ll let you judge this one.

Marotta: Antonio… Your Grace, I don’t think you get it right. This man we’re talking about won’t meet you on the battlefield. He’s more of man of words. He’ll try to taunt you, provoke you. So you must remain calm… for the sake of your smallfolk.

Conte: Of course, the smallfolk. No human being will be able to threaten my realm.

Mourinho: Hello everyone. My King, I’m glad I made it just in time to congratulate you on winning the treble.

Conte: Treble? What treble?

Mourinho: Oh I saw this huge coronation party and I thought that Inter have surely won their first treble since my departure.

Conte: Well… we were a bit unlucky in Europe and got eliminated early on. But We’ll win in next year! What do you say, warriors?

Lukaku: Umm, I just remembered I had a day in court with Ibrahimovic and I gotta leave now.

Vidal: Yeah and I have that tattoo appointment I totally forgot about.

Handanovic: And I have to… retire or something.

Mourinho: So no treble, ha. Well then, I’m sure you did well to win the domestic double.

Conte: Not exactly. We were…

Mourinho: You were what?

Conte: Eliminated… by Juventus.

Mourinho: Eliminated by Juventus?! Back then, they would have hanged me for treason if I were eliminated by them.

Conte: But those were different days. Juve were weak then. They’re much stronger now.

Pirlo: Hey guys, anyone has a midfielder that I can borrow? Doesn’t have to be a good one. Anyone really.

Mourinho: I see. So all of this celebration is because you…

Conte: We won the Scudetto. A great achievement.

Mourinho: I’m sure it is, Antonio… for a petty king like yourself at least.

Conte: That’s enough of you, sacked one! You got banished from England and suddenly you remembered our kingdom because you thought it would be an easy one to conquer. Well it won’t be as easy this time.

Mourinho: Oh I think it would.

Conte: Look, I won’t let you ruin my celebration. I’m the king! not you! Look at the crown I’m wearing, I paid for it!

Mourinho: Did you? I assumed it came as a loyalty gift with your new hair.

Conte: That’s it! I’m not going to take this any longer. I quit! You can have your miserable kingdom. God knows it’s worthless without my presence. I’ll find someplace better to conquer.

Marotta: No, Antonio! Don’t leave! We need you here, please… Oh man, finally, thought he would never leave. Thanks for the favor, José.

Mourinho: Nah, don’t mention it. I enjoy messing around with Antonio so much that I’d do it for free.

Marotta: So I guess you won’t be charging me for this one?

Mourinho: No you’re still going to pay me. But tell me truly, Beppe, you’ve been switching from side to side, whispering in the ears of one president after the other, controlling the game from the background. So who do you really serve my friend?

Marotta: As simple as it may sounds, I serve the realm of Calcio, this is where my loyalty lies.

Pirlo: So would you serve me with a deal for Barella?

Marotta: NO! Get Lost!

Click on the link to read our previous editions of The Calcio Parody