From The Cult of Calcio Studios in Amsterdam, it’s time for the second episode of Calcio Parody. After miraculously avoiding cancellation from the very first episode, it’s time to uncover some exclusive CoC footage from Luis Suarez’ interview with the Italian citizenship committee as the Uruguayan seeks an Italian passport in order to seal his move to Juventus.
And for those of you at home wondering, Yes, we always have a man on the inside. Maybe even at your place. Anyway, let’s roll the footage.
Interviewer: Welcome Mr. Suarez. First of all would you please introduce yourself to the committee in Italian?
Suarez: Ciao to all. My name Luis Suarez. I have two friends. Leo and Ney. Call me Luisito.
Interviewer: We’ll just call you Mr. Suarez for now. So tell us Sir, why did you apply for Italian citizenship?
Suarez: Because Juve pay me 10M.
Interviewer: Are you sure this is the answer that you’d like to submit?
Suarez: Ahh, No No. Luisito love Italy. Pizza, pasta, Ferrari… Fiat… Juve?
Interviewer: Your love for our country is unquestionable. But as you know Mr. Suarez, an Italian passport holder must be able to sing the Italian national anthem. Do you know the words?
Suarez: Only important parts. “SPAGHETTI D’ITALIA….. POROMPOMPOM…. ITALIA TI AMO, SI!”
Interviewer: Well that’s not exactly how it goes, but anyway, what’s your favorite place in Italy? and why?
Suarez: Turin, baby! Best Italy city. Sunny all time. Warm winter, party all day, party all night!
Interviewer: None of that is accurate about Turin actually.
Suarez: Yes its true. What Fabio say so.
Interviewer: I’m not sure who’s Fabio but he’s definitely a liar.
Unidentified sound: I’ll teach you a lesson you little…
Interviewer: What’s that sound?! Whatever. Mr. Suarez you mentioned in your written application that a part of you feels Italian on the inside. Can you please elaborate on that?
Suarez: Yes. I eat Giorgio Chiellini shoulder. So from 2014 I feel Italian inside. Sometime tummy hurts.
Interviewer: Wonderful. Let’s try some history questions. During which year Italy was unified as a nation?
Suarez: Ahhh, 2014? They unified to hate poor Luisito.
Unidentified sound: Just say “1861.”
Interviewer: Wait a minute. Now I see what’s going on. Mr. Paratici we can see you’re hiding under the desk. We all knew you’d be here but would you at least have the courtesy to wait outside?
Suarez: Psst, Fabio, what is “courtesy”?
Paratici: I have no idea, Luis. I never heard this word before either. Anyway, I can feel the lovely fresh smell of this free agent signing fading away. I’m out of here, time to find someone useless on loan.
Interviewer: Mr. Suarez, this is obviously not working out well. Your language skills are abysmal and your knowledge about our country is almost non-existent. So at least tell us truthfully, why do you want this passport this badly?
Suarez: Because they take me to Atletico Madrid! I don’t want Simeone, please please! In Barca all scared of Luisito. In Atletico Luisito scared of Simeone… AND DIEGO COSTA. Don’t take me to Atletico Please!
Interviewer: I’m sorry Mr. Suarez but we can’t help you in this issue, and we still have a long line waiting outside. Enter the next applicant.
Messi: Hey guys, I heard you’re giving away free passports to Barcelona refugees…