The Calcio Parody: Conte and Marotta in Crunch Inter Talks

The Chaaaaaaaaaampions surely won’t be Inter. The Calcio Parody is back – to everyone’s dismay – with it’s 7th edition, as we’ll be discussing Antonio Conte’s latest Champions League elimination. Somewhere inside the gloomy Inter halls at Appiano Gentile, the young Inter president Steven Zhang has called for a crunch meeting with CEO Giuseppe Marotta and coach Antonio Conte, as they will try to find the solutions for the Nerazzurri’s underwhelming campaign.

Disclaimer: This parody article is only meant to cheer up the Inter fans who are rightly upset about their European elimination. It probably won’t admittingly, but hey, kicking a team while he’s down – like really down… bottom of the group down, one might add – is an unwritten rule that we should comply with.

Zhang: Gentlemen, I’ve had just about enough with underachievers. I’ll leave the two of you to discuss the current situation. I’ll be back in about an hour and a half, and I’ll expect some solutions by then. So this time, try to actually come up with something during the 90 minutes for a change.

Marotta: As you command, sir.

Zhang: And no bickering with one another.

Conte: We’ll be good. We promise.

Zhang: Alright then. See ya later.

Conte: Ok listen your cheap, overrated, excuse of a director, I resent every second I spend in the same room with you. So let’s bring on those losers and pretend to hear whatever nonsense they have to say, and then write some silly report on the situation and hand it for the “boy king” once he’s back.

Marotta: For someone who hired you twice, and bought you 21 wingbacks I surely don’t get the love that I deserve from you, Antonio. But you’re right, let’s get this thing over with. Come on in, Captain.

Handanović: Hey guys. You wanted to speak with me?

Marotta: Yes Samir, we intend to speak with several key members of the squad, and since you’re the captain, you get to go first. We’re trying to find the reasons behind our Champions League elimination.

Handanović: We were eliminated?!

Conte: Yes, Frankenstein, you were on the pitch!

Handanović: Oh I didn’t notice. I was too busy celebrating an extremely rare clean sheet. My therapist says I should release my emotions more often.

Conte: Your therapist?! Why would you need one for?

Handanović: Well apparently I’m beginning to develop some trust issues. And do you know who’s to blame for it?

Conte: Who else? Christian Eriksen.

Handanović: No. Your defenders who forgot how to defend! Anyway, he gave me this prescription and told me to give it to the team’s director.

Marotta: With all due respect, Samir, I’m not paying for your medications, the insurance company sh…

Handanović: Just read it, Beppe.

Marotta: Ok let’s see. “Following my professional examination of the patient’s mental status, he should be urgently treated with the following: Virgil Van Dijk, Kalidou Koulibaly, Matthijs De Ligt…” Is this guy nuts?! No insurance company would pay for those.

Conte: It’s a professional opinion, Beppe. You must respect it and follow its orders.

Marotta:”… PS: getting a better coach won’t hurt either”

Conte: What did he say?! Ok that’s enough! You and your little fraudulent shrink are dismissed. Bring on the next clown.

Ranocchia: Hello gentlemen, thanks for having me.

Marotta: You’re welcome… Sir. Feel free to speak.

Ranocchia: As a former captain of Inter, I’ve witnessed the bad days as well as… The worse days actually. And as a pupil of Antonio ever since our days at Bari, I believe that he’ll find the strength to get us all out of this little tiny difficult situation.

Conte: Thanks for your trust… Bro. We need more men like you.

Marotta: Oh I can easily buy you dozens like him, they really don’t cost much.

Conte: I said men like him. Not players like him. Anyway, we appreciate your words… Dude. Take care of yourself.

Ranocchia: Alright, see ya in training.

Conte: Yes, can’t wait… Who the heck was that guy? Former captain?!

Marotta: No idea either. He’s been here ever since I took over.

Conte: Then why haven’t you offloaded him yet, genius?

Marotta: How can I terminate his contract if I don’t even know his name? Plus you coached him at Bari, so you should know him.

Conte: Bari? That was a thousand years ago. I barely remember my Juventus squad.

Marotta: Which explains your ingratitude towards my work. Ok, who’s next?

Nainggolan: Sup!

Conte: Oh great. My second least favorite midfielder. Beppe, when are you planning on selling him?

Nainggolan: Beppe, when are you planning on firing him?

Marotta: No worries, boys. I’m working on both matters.

Nainggolan: So you wanna know who I blame?

Conte: Even you should know it’s Eriksen.

Nainggolan: Yeah right. Eriksen makes all the damage in the one and a half minute he plays at the end of every match.

Conte: Exactly!

Nainggolan: I was being sarcastic, you humorless Grinch. Take a look at the mirror and you’ll see the culprit. I shipped myself to Cagliari just to be on an isolated island away from you. Beppe, just hire Sarri already.

Marotta: Oh I didn’t know you’re a fan of Sarriball.

Nainggolan: I’m not. But if I’m staying in this miserable place then at least get me a decent smoking mate.

Conte: Enough! Take your ugly mohawk and get out of here! Seriously, who still sports a mohawk these days? It’s no longer the 2002 World Cup you know.

Allegri: Psst, Beppe. Can I come out now?

Marotta: No, hide yourself. We’re hoping he’ll resign as he usually does. It would cost us much less.

Allegri: But I got Arsenal on the phone.

Marotta: Just delay them.

Conte: Who are you talking to?

Marotta: Umm no one. It’s just… My Imaginary friend.

Conte: I see. You still miss Paratici don’t you? Next.

Vidal: Hey guys.

Conte: Arturo! My man. Is it me or your mohawk looks especially gorgeous today?

Vidal: Thanks, Antonio. Now let me tell you who’s to blame for this whole mess.

Conte: Finally some common sense. It gotta be Eriksen.

Vidal: Nah, Chris and I are cool. Although I’m trying to get him some tattoos here and there. I blame my darn luck.

Conte: Ugh. What about My luck? I wanted Kante at Inter. Instead I find myself in the same room with you two has-beens pretending it’s still 2013.

Vidal: No, seriously. I lost a Champions League final with Juve – though that had more to do with Their Luck – so I left for Bayern to win the competition and it just never happened. So then I went to play for Barcelona to lift that trophy and suddenly we can’t beat Getafe. So I finally joined Inter to… wait, why did I come here for?

Conte: Because you enjoy playing for me?

Marotta: Because I rained money upon you?

Vidal: Yeah it’s mostly the second option. But as you see, last season you finished 3rd in the group without me. This season I made you even worse. I got the Champions League curse!

Eriksen: It’s not your fault, Arturo.

Conte: Hey, who let you in?! It’s not the 89th minute yet.

Eriksen: As you always say, boss, my timing is always wrong. You’re right. It’s all my fault.

Conte: Well, at least you’re not dumb.

Eriksen: So would you please sell me now? I’ll even accept a move to Cagliari.

Nainggolan: If someone is running away to Cagliari, that would be me!

Eriksen: Ok, Bologna maybe?

Vidal: Do they pay well at Bologna?

Conte: Out! All of you! What a waste of time that was. So our glorious president is about to return. What are we supposed to tell him?

Marotta: Don’t worry, Antonio. I got your back. Tell him whatever you wish, and I’ll support your words.

Conte: You would? That’s very kind of you… Old friend.

Zhang: Gentlemen, I hope you had a fruitful discussion. So what’s the reason behind my club’s shameful elimination?

Conte: Eriksen!

Marotta: Conte. The sooner we fire him the better.

Conte: What?? I thought we’re old friends.

Marotta: We are. And all my friends hate me. Anyway, you can come out now, Max.

Allegri: Hola! Mad Max is in da house.

Zhang: Who’s your friend, Beppe? And why does he smell so bad?

Marotta: This is Massimiliano Allegri, we won several Scudetto titles together in the past. And I’ve been hiding him here in the trash can since the summer.

Allegri: I thought you’d never fire him.

Zhang: So another one of your past lovers, Beppe? And what proves that this one would work out better than the last?

Marotta: Nothing really. But at least this one will complain a little less.

Allegri: And has a charming personality.

Zhang: Ok, do it then. Fake hair is out. Creepy smile is in.

Allegri: Alriiiiiight. By the way, I’m starving, do you have something to eat?

Marotta: Sure, buddy. But let’s clean you up first.

Conte: What’s to become of me now??

Stramaccioni: You become like me. Wanna join the Iranian league?

Conte: Noooooooooo