With the beginning of every new year, we tend to come up with some resolutions. Every year we promise ourselves – and everyone who would listen – that we’ll be smarter, gentler and wiser. Nonetheless, these promises usually fall apart faster than Roma’s season, and with every passing year, we seem to be getting sillier and sillier.
Therefore, the Calcio Parody is proudly making his 2021 debut! Not only that, but in this edition, Italian Football’s biggest monsters – Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Romelu Lukaku – will meet face to face in our newly established CCF (Calcio Cage Fighting). Which of the two giants will come out on top?
Disclaimer: This is the part where we usually tell you that no one got hurt in the making of this parody. But let’s be reasonable now, this is a cage fight, alright? People are supposed to get hurt in it. However, on the plus side, the number of expected injuries that is about to occur is still lower than the average number that you witness in a Serie A match this season. So take your complaints elsewhere!
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CoC: After an incredible night of brutal fights, it’s now time for our main event of the evening. Marco, you and I have been commentating on the fights from cage-side. What do you think of the action so far?
Materazzi: Oh man I love it! It totally reminds me of my playing days. Like getting knocked out in a World Cup Final, or kicking Mario Balotelli in the tunnel, those were the days.
CoC: What has been your favorite fight so far?
Materazzi: Although I enjoyed the Gasperini Vs Papu Gomez fight, I have to say that the way Paulo Fonseca submitted Edin Dzeko was the shock of the night.
CoC: Yes that was a thrilling “loser leaves town” fight. But now it’s time for the Main event! Two former teammates who dislike one another are ready to settle their differences like any two civilized persons would – in a grueling cage fight! One claims to be the king of Milano, and the other its god.
(“Voodoo Child” plays)
CoC: It seems that our first contestant is about to make his entrance.
Materazzi: It’s fun to see those two kids fight it out, but during my days, I was the god of Milano, and I surely was the king, I’d have easily dealt with these two… Dear Lord! This guy is HUUUUGE. What is Zlatan thinking provoking this dude?!
CoC: Romelu Lukaku is about to enter the cage, let’s hear the last advice from his corner.
Conte: Ok Rom, you know the plan. Try to get ahead of him on the scorecards in the first few rounds, and then I’ll do one of my magical substitutions. I’ll bring in Darmian to defend the lead.
Darmian: No way! I’m not getting in there. I’m not THAT versatile.
Conte: Coward!
(“Simply The best” plays)
CoC: And here comes the opponent, the legendary Zlatan Ibrahimovic! Let’s hear from his corner.
Pioli: I just wanna say that I do not condone any form of violence. However, I would always relish the chance to torment Conte in every way possible.
Ibrahimovic: Thank you Mahatma. Useful as ever.
Pioli: Zlatan, this is an individual sport, you have no teammates to rely on inside the cage, so you must do the job yourself.
Ibrahimovic: Oh so you’re saying that it’s exactly like playing for your team. Just stay out of the way all of you and let me take care of business.
CoC: The two fighters are inside the cage, so let’s move to our cage announcer who will do the introduction.
Mourinho: You mean the SPECIAL ring announcer. You know I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to see two of my former players fight. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening. Five rounds of action to determine the Milano heavyweight champion. This CCF event is promoted and sponsored by Juventus Football Club.
Agnelli: What a brilliant idea, Fabio! Letting our challengers destroy themselves while we watch from the stands. This almost makes me reconsider my decision to fire you as soon as we’re knocked out of the Champions League.
Paratici: Hahaha, very funny boss. Hey, why aren’t you laughing? It was a joke, right? Boss?
Angelli: Shhhh let’s just enjoy the fight now.
Mourinho: In the black and blue and corner, this man is finally making his fighting debut- despite the fact that I repeatedly provoked him in training – standing at such an incredible height (but still he misses some free headers) and weighing at… let’s say he’s larger than your average football player. The king of Milano, Romelu Lukakuuuuu.
And in the black and red corner, this man has been in the fighting business ever since he spoke his first words which allegedly were “Zlatan better than you”. He claims to have an undefeated record, but this fact is as proven as Pele’s scoring records. The god of Milano. Zlatan Ibrahimoviiiiiiic.
Once the action begins, our referee in charge is Paolo Valeri.
Valeri: No worries everyone, I’m 100% fit and I’m sure that nothing bad would hit me this time. Now let’s fight!
CoC: The first round has started. Ibra is taking a karate kid stance, while Lukaku is displaying his… bear stance maybe?
Lukaku: Roaaaaaaaar
CoC: Rom launches himself towards his foe, but he misses as Ibra moved out of the way. Lukaku seems confused as he can’t find his opponent.
Ibrahimovic: I’m right here, bro.
CoC: Oh what a hit! Lukaku turns around only to find Zlatan’s flying knee hitting him straight in the face.
Pioli: You stunned him Zlatan! finish him before he recovers.
Ibrahimovic: Zlatan was going to do exactly that. But no one tells Zlatan what to do. So instead Zlatan will entertain the crowd with a traditional Swedish dance.
CoC: Incredible scenes in the CCF arena. Lukaku is knocked down, but his opponent decides to dance around the cage instead of finishing him off.
Romagnoli: He’s back on his feet! Focus!
Ibrahimovic: Hey don’t tell me what to do you little…
CoC: Lukaku takes down Ibrahimovic with a huge spear. And now he’s on top of him. Marco, how can Zlatan go back to his feet with someone in the size of Lukaku holding him down.
Materazzi: Well, in the fighting business, sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. So based on my knowledge, I’d say: “Headbutt him!”
Ibrahimovic: Are you sure?
Materazzi: Yeah unless you’re planning on turning into a ham.
Pioli: Don’t, Zlatan! The round ends in 10 seconds, just survive.
Ibrahimovic: Ok, if Stefano says so then I’m convinced.
CoC: Oh no! Zlatan goes for the headbutt, but it seems to be more of a nose sting. Lukaku is down and out!
Valeri: Stop! This is an illegal move.
Materazzi: Is it? I should have read the textbook. Better go now, Ciao!
CoC: The referee shows Ibrahimovic the red card.
Ibrahimovic: Fair enough. No hard feelings.
Valeri: Glad you’re taking it smoothly.
CoC: What a mess! The Swedish fighter performs a spinning wheel kick on the hapless ref! Valeri absolutely doesn’t know where he is at the moment. Shameless scenes.
Mourinho: Epic scenes! Ok let’s bring in another referee. Show must go on.
CoC: Fabio Maresca is the alternative referee.
Conte: No! not you again! It’s always you, Maresca! On the pitch, on the VAR, and even in the cage!
Maresca: I also officiate Bingo rounds every Thursday night. Anyway let’s resume the action.
Conte: What action? Ibrahimovic was disqualified, therefore Lukaku is obviously the winner.
Maresca: Not so fast my dear friend. According to the CCF rules, Milan are allowed to to bring on another fighter in Zlatan’s stead. The same goes for your injured fighter.
Conte: That is outrageous! Who puts these rules?
Agnelli: I love you, Fabio.
Pioli: Ok that is enough. Antonio, we’re both shooting ourselves in the foot. I suggest that we pick our least useful players – ones that we can afford to lose – and let them do the fighting.
Conte: That’s actually a good idea. I could get rid of some of these useless players.
Pioli: I choose my second goalkeeper, Ciprian Tatarusanu.
Romagnoli: I thought Antonio Donnarumma would be our most useless player.
Pioli: You’re not wrong, Alessio. But if something ill happens to him then Mino Raiola would sue us and then threaten to take his brother away.
Conte: Christian, let’s pretend it’s the 87th minute of the match. Start your warm ups.
Eriksen: Oh man, a move to Arsenal doesn’t seem that bad after all.
CoC: So it seems that the fight will resume, with Tatarusanu taking on Eriksen.
Conte: Why do you have a ball in your hands, Christian? It’s a fight!
CoC: A weird move by Eriksen, who decides to shoot the ball in the air.
Tatarusanu: Look! Ball!
CoC: The Romanian is apparently caught in his place, just… watching the ball.
Pioli: He’s about to launch his attack. Move, son, Move!
Tatarusanu: Baaaaaall
Eriksen: Valhallaaaaaa
CoC: The Dane knocks out the shot stopper with a double axe handle, as the Milan man was still watching the ball in the air. The referee ends the fight. Eriksen is the unlikely hero for the Nerazzurri!
Conte: I knew it! I always believed in you Christian! Marotta was trying to sell you but I would never allow it.
Marotta: You know that I always keep the screenshots from our conversations, right?
Mourinho: Congratulations champ. Anything you’d like to say in this occasion? Like how you dearly miss playing for Spurs.
Eriksen: Well, I’m just hoping that the guys at Madrid were watching. They know my number.
CoC: Ther you have it. An epic night of fighting. Thank you all for tuning in. Until next time.