Following a long hiatus, the Calcio Parody is back and makes even less sense than ever. Ahead of the infamous Derby della Madonnina, the Cult of Calcio will take you behind the scenes for some exclusive footages from the locker rooms of Inter and Milan in two separate parts.
In the first installment, we enter the Rossoneri lockers where Paolo Maldini tells players that Stefano Pioli won’t be able to make it for the big clash. Let’s find out why exactly.
Note: Even though the action is taking place inside the lockers, all players had their clothes on during filming. Just keep that in mind while imagining the scenes. Unless you prefer the other way around, it’s your business after all.
CoC: Hello and welcome to the Cult of Calcio’s exclusive backstage coverage of the Milan derby. First, let’s take a look inside the Rossoneri’s locker room.
Maldini: Hello gentlemen. Hopefully none of you is feeling particularly nervous tonight.
Kessié: The only thing we fear is fear itself.
Maldini: Awesome. So here’s what I need you to do…
Kessié: Don’t ask what your club can do for you, ask what you can do for your club.
Maldini: What’s wrong with this guy?
Romagnoli: Well, after years of being called “The President”, he’s now taking his act to another level. He’s now fully in charge of all the pre-match pep talk.
Massara: And the rest of you listen to this nonsense before every match.
Hernandez: To be honest, we kinda prefer Franck’s lunatic words over Alessio’s “I deserve better” speech and Zlatan’s “why Zlatan is a god” observation.
Ibrahimovic: Reason 478: Zlatan’s hair is long. Like a true god. Have your ever seen a bald god?
Maldini: Anyway, you guys know what’s at stake, we must fight until the end.
Kessié: I shall fight for this jersey until my final breath.
Maldini: You mean until your contract expires and find someone who pays you more.
Kessié: Got that right, boss.
Calabria: By the way, where’s Stefano? The match starts in less than an hour.
Maldini: What a sharp observer you are, Davide. Here’s what I came to tell you. Pioli had a mental breakdown following our January transfer market. He mentioned something about defenders and Kalulu. Not sure what’s his problem, but he’s not alright.
Romagnoli: That’s ok, we do a wonderful assistant manager after all; Other Pioli.
Maldini: I’m afraid Other Pioli isn’t available either.
Florenzi: What’s wrong with Other Pioli??
Maldini: Apparently he and Original Pioli share many things, including mental health.
Bonera: So I guess this puts Lord Bonera in charge. Hero, legend, savior…
Maldini: Actually I have another mission for you Daniele. I’m sick of people reminding me that I failed to sign a single center back. Put your shoes on, you’ll be my winter signing.
Rebic: Are you out of your mind?! He’s incredibly old.
Bonera: Shut up all of you. I’m younger than Zlatan.
Ibrahimovic: Zlatan should have retired before witnessing this mess.
Daniel Maldini: Dad, why are you doing this? You’re embarrassing me in front of the other players.
Maldini: So now you know how I feel every time you’re on the pitch. But you don’t see me crying “Oh Daniel, why do you keep losing the ball? you’re embarrassing me in front of the other executives“. So man up!
Ibrahimovic: Nasty Paolo. Zlatan respects.
Massara: I think you’re being too harsh on the kid, Paolo.
Maldini: You can keep you opinion to yourself Ricky.
Massara: But I thought I’m you’re right hand man.
Maldini: Oh you definitely are Ricky. Do you know why?
Massara: Because you appreciate my words of wisdom on various matters?
Maldini: Because I’m a lefty, and you’re as useless, dispensable and worthless as my right hand. Anyway, I brought up a temporary replacement for Pioli. Give it up for Supperrrrr Pippoooooooo.
F. Inzaghi: Hello everyone. Due to my successful managerial spell at the club and all the accolades I earned during my coaching career, Paolo decided to hand me the reigns for this important match.
Maldini: Actually, none of this is true. I only did so to irk your brother, but never mind, please go on.
F. Inzaghi: So I ask every single one of you: Are you sick and tired of losing derbies?
Milan players: Yeah!
F. Inzaghi: Are you sick and tired of finishing second?
Milan players: Yeah!
F. Inzaghi: Are you sick and tired of the offside rule?
Giroud: Yeah!
F. Inzaghi: Are you sick and tired of your annoying little brother who was always lingering in your shadow but is now suddenly in the spotlight while you’re degenerating into a Serie B level tactician?
(Pause)
Kessié: Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today.
Ibrahimovic: One more word and I’ll kick your presidential backside all the way to the other locker room.
Kessié: Please do! Hakan says they pay better.
F. Inzaghi: Anyway. Let’s give them a battle!
Milan Players: Yeah!
F. Inzaghi: I know we can beat them. It’s not like we’re playing Spezia or anything, right? So give me a win one my comeback.
(Whistle)
Marco Serra: Did I hear someone mentioning a comeback? You’re right, baby. Sweet Marco is back and ready to steal the show. I warn you, any sudden movement and you’ll be hearing this:
(Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)
F. Inzaghi: Well, never mind, I don’t thing I wanna do this anymore.
Maldini: Me neither. Right hand, grab me my keys, I’m out of here.
Ibrahimovic: Zlatan officially retires to focus on more godly manners.
Bonera: Lord Bonera retires again following a storied second run.
Serra: Hey where’s everyone going? That was a joke! I’m still banned until 2047. I just came to apologize for the 647th time. Come back! Hmmm, nice jerseys that you got in here.
Pioli: Ok guys, I’m back! It’s been a challenging period but my psychologist said I should return to work as quickly as possible… Wait, where’s everyone?
Other Pioli: Boss, look!
Serra: Hey coach!
Pioli: You?! What are you doing here?! and why in the world are you wearing a Milan jersey?!
Serra: Well I heard you need new signings. And we both know how decisive I can be.
Pioli: I just, I just… (passes out)
Serra: Oops. Now I need to be a player-manager. Marco, is there anything you can’t do?
CoC: There you have it folks. This was the atmosphere inside the Milan lockers. Tune in to tomorrow to find out what’s going on at Inter’s corner.