The off-season is almost over folks, and the Cult of Calcio proudly announces the launch of the second season of your less-than-favorite series, The Calcio Parody.
So let’s see what we miss during the summer. Almost everyone in Serie A has a new manager, Italy won some tournament at Wembley, and a guy named “GOAT” is now a free agent. Nothing too interesting as you can see.
Nevertheless, a lot has been going on at Inter recently, so we’ll take you live to the club’s headquarters to see how the newly appointed Simone Inzaghi is faring at his new home, whilst he’s being welcomed by CEO Giuseppe Marotta, and of course the president himself, Steven Zhang.
Marotta: So tell me, Simone, how does it feel to be coaching the champions of Italy.
Inzaghi: Oh I can’t describe my joy, Beppe. I find myself at a great club and with unlimited ambitions. The sky is the limit.
Marotta: Umm, yeah sure. Unlimited. Let’s go and say hello to the president. But I warn you, he hasn’t been in a great mood recently.
Inzaghi: No worries about that. I spent a lifetime serving under Claudio Lotito. How bad could he be?
Marotta: Well I’ll let you find out yourself. Shall we enter?
Inzaghi: Sure.
Marotta: Hey boss! There’s someone that I want you to meet.
Zhang: DIE DIE DIE!
Inzaghi: Ok maybe I was a little harsh on Lotito.
Marotta: Oh no worries, he’s just having fun. BOSS!
Zhang: What are you doing here, Beppe? Can’t you see I’m busy with a meeting?
Marotta: I thought you were just playing “Call of Duty”.
Zhang: I am. With my friends online. Which is called a meeting. Sorry guys, my useless CEO interrupted me again… I know, I know, I should totally fire this guy. Just give five minutes and I’ll be back.
Marotta: My sincere apologies, sir.
Zhang: So who’s that clown standing by your side?
Marotta: Sir, I proudly introduce to you our new manager.
Zhang: Whatever. He’ll be probably sacked before I learn his name, or run away like the last one. So what’s your deal, bro?
Inzaghi: My name is Simone Inzaghi…
Zhang: Oh I think I heard your name before.
Inzaghi: Really?
Zhang: Yeah. Didn’t you score goals in a Champions League final? You’re alright.
Inzaghi: Not exactly. You’re talking about my elder brother, Pippo.
Zhang: That’s a shame. What does he do now?
Inzaghi: He’s a football manager as well.
Zhang: Beppe, you’re telling me that his famous brother was available and you decided to bring this nobody instead!
Marotta: Umm, Pippo’s career has gone a little offside to say the least. Simone, on the other hand, is a capable tactician. And he’s excited to be a part of the club, right?
Inzaghi: Of course I am! I can’t wait to coach players like Lukaku, Lautaro and Hakimi.
Zhang: You didn’t tell him yet, didn’t you?
Inzaghi: Tell me what?
Marotta: Well we had a tiny bitty problem in the budget, so we’re doing some tiny bitty downsizing. Hakimi was sold to PSG.
Inzaghi: What? How bad is this downsizing?
Marotta: Oh you won’t even notice it. Just few players… your office’s furniture…
Inzaghi: How can I work in an empty office?
Marotta: We felt that you’re a great man-manager, so this would allow you to spend more time doing your magic on the training ground.
Inzaghi: This sounds serious. So I don’t have an office, nor a right wingback.
Marotta: Of course you do. Here’s your Hakimi replacement.
Bellerin: What’s up
Inzaghi: No offense but I don’t think Hector Bellerin is an adequate replacement for the best wingback in the world.
Marotta: Why not? Hector, tell us how excited you are to join our great club.
Bellerin: Well I’m excited to leave Arsenal, I’ll tell you that much.
Marotta: Lovely, but tell us what it means to you to join the Nerazzurri.
Bellerin: Who? Oh you mean you guys. Yeah, sure. Big honor. I can’t wait to play alongside your players.
Inzaghi: Which ones?
Bellerin. You know. The big guy, the smaller guy, the one who runs… all of them. Hey aren’t you Pippo Inzaghi?
Inzaghi: No! What about the club’s legends. Who are your favorites?
Bellerin: Of course the Dutch trio! who else?! Big honor to wear the same jersey as theirs.
Marotta: That wasn’t very accurate.
Bellerin: Hmm, Belgian trio?
Inzaghi: Ok we heard enough, thanks Hector.
Bellerin: Big honor!
Zhang: So tell me, Beppe. what’s the latest on Lukaku?
Inzaghi: You’re selling Lukaku too?! You can’t do that to me?!
Zhang: One more word from you, and I’m sending you to your empty office.
Marotta: Chelsea are yet to pay us 130 millions, but I think I can get us a good deal at 110.
Zhang: No! 130 or nothing, cancel the deal. Tell Romelu to join us, he’ll be happy to know that he’s staying home.
Lukaku: SO CHEER US THROUGH THE SUN AND THE RAIN CAUSE CHELSEA IS OUR NAME!
Inzaghi: Someone is in a jolly mood.
Lukaku: Hey guys. I packed my bags and I’m ready to go. Am I here for one last hug?
Zhang: Save your hugs, big man. The deal is off.
Lukaku: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Marotta: At least for now. Perhaps they’ll come back with a better offer and we’ll be all happy, eh?
Inzaghi: Why is everyone so eager to leave this place? is it haunted or something?
Lukaku: You can’t do this to me! Make it happen, Beppe!
Lautaro: Where are you going, Rom? I thought you enjoy our partnership.
Lukaku: Yes I do, Lautaro. I’m just going on a small business trip to London and I’ll be back soon. You won’t even notice my absence
Lautaro: Liar! That’s what Achraf said before he left. LuLa is officially no more.
Lukaku: Wait, Lautaro, I can explain.
Zhang: Well done, you made Lautaro cry. Happy?!
Sanchez: Can I go with you, Rom?
Lukaku: Alexis, I can’t take you with me wherever I go. Maybe it’s time for us to have separate career paths.
Sanchez: NOOOOOOOOOO
Zhang: And now you made Alexis cry. You monster!
Inzaghi: Look, Romelu, I know you want to leave, but you and I can have a great bond. I was a striker myself, and I know what the striker goes through, especially during long goal droughts.
Lukaku: You had long goal droughts too?
Inzaghi: Yeah, really long ones.
Lukaku: Like four matches in a row?
Inzaghi: More like four years.
Lukaku: Hahaha good one, boss.
Inzaghi: I’m serious.
Lukaku: What?!! A striker who spent four years without scoring! What am I supposed to learn from this guy?! I’m calling Tuchel. He needs to take me out of here ASAP.
Inzaghi: For some reason, I feel less excited about this new job.
Zhang: Cheer up, man. You really think I’ll let the team fall apart like that. I want you to meet your newest player. Come in…. Leo!
Messi: Hey guys. Glad to be here.
Inzaghi: Sweet heaven! You’re the best president ever, Steve! I love you, man! I thought that you’re a terrible person who had no business in the world of football. Beppe thought so as well. But clearly I was wrong. Forgive me, sir!
Marotta: Can we cut this madness, please?
Inzaghi: What madness? Why is everyone laughing?
Zhang: Hahahaha I can’t believe he bought it! we signed LEO FREAKIN’ MESSI, yeah right. Hahahaha.
Messi: That’s even funnier than that time but when I told Griezmann that I’m giving him one of my Ballon d’Or awards.
Inzaghi: But he’s right here, wearing the club’s jersey.
Zhang: Because I offered him 100$ for this gig. I also paid for his ticket.
Inzaghi: He came all the way from Spain just to fool me?! And for 100 bucks?!
Messi: I’m sorry, man. It’s been a tough summer for me. Aside from my multi-million advertising deals, I have no other source of income. I have a family to feed. Plus a gigantic dog.
Marotta: Speaking of which, maybe we can sit on the table and…
Messi: Let’s not waste our time, Beppe. You know it’s not gonna happen. I have another flight to catch.
Marotta: You’re right. Say hello to Icardi and Hakimi over there.
Messi: I won’t bother with these guys, but I just might say hello to Wanda. Adios!