Ahead of the highly-anticipated Derby della Madonnina, The Calcio Parody is taking you to the backstage of the San Siro Stadium (or the Giuseppe Meazza… or whatever other name you’d like to call it). After giving you an exclusive look inside the chaotic Milan locker room, it’s now time to check out the mood of their opponents.
Inter are the reigning champions, the current Serie A leaders and the big favorites to retain their title. So what could possibly go wrong for the Nerazzurri? Well, apparently a lot, especially when the past comes back to haunt them.
Disclaimer: Please note that this is a parody article, and the events taking place below didn’t really take place. So it’s not as if we have a spy inside Inter’s lockers who can tell us what’s happening in there. We almost acquired Calhanoglu for the job, but unfortunately we couldn’t afford his wages.
Inzaghi: Alright folks, who’s feeling the Derby thrills? I need you all to be sharp and focused. Especially you Hakan. I know it’s a special one for you.
Calhanoglu: Is it?
Inzaghi: Yeah I mean we’re playing against Milan.
Calhanoglu: So?
Inzaghi: And you once played for Milan…
Calhanoglu: Did I?
Inzaghi: Well I don’t claim to be Wikipedia or anything, but I’m pretty you sure did.
Calhanoglu: Hmmm. Perhaps a long time ago. ‘Cause I can’t recall it.
Inzaghi: But that was like last season.
Calhanoglu: Nah. You must have mistaken me for someone else. I was here last season celebrating the Scudetto with the gang. Sing with me boys: Siamo Noi Siamo Nooooooooi….
Skriniar: Oh please not again…
Brozovic: If we tell you that we believe you, would you stop?
Calhanoglu: See, Simone, I won the league last season, but you wouldn’t know it because you weren’t even here. But now you decided to jump on our bandwagon and steal all the glory.
Inzaghi: You know what, forget about it, let’s just skip to the tactics…
Lukaku: Hey guys!
Inzaghi: Holy Moly! Beppe, you bald magician. I can’t believe you brought Romelu back!
Marotta: Brought back who? I’m still counting the pounds I received from Chelsea.
Lukaku: Unfortunately for myself, I’m still a Chelsea player.
Marotta: Then what are you doing in here, Rom?
Lukaku: Well, it’s just that I miss you guys. You are like a second family to me. Plus I kinda hate Thomas Tuchel, so I took a little break from seeing his cold skinny face.
Calhanoglu: Get out of here! We have no use for traitors like yourself.
Lukaku: I don’t know who you are, but please sit down before I punch a hole into your stomach.
Calhanoglu: Yes, sir.
Inzaghi: Can we keep him, Beppe? Please, please, please… He’ll be good this time. No more transfer requests, I promise.
Marotta: Sure. So tell me which five starters you want me to sell so we can afford to buy him again.
Lukaku: Look never mind, guys. I just dropped to say hello and wish you luck… Hello, Lautaro.
Martinez: Hello, Romelu.
Lukaku: You haven’t been answering my messages.
Martinez: I guess I needed some time after… you know… it was a tough summer.
Lukaku: I understand. I know it’s my fault for leaving this way. You deserved better.
Martinez: It’s ok. We can still be friends… eventually.
Lukaku: Cool. So… what are you up to these days?
Martinez: Not much. Some video games, hanging out with the guys at Edin’s place.
Lukaku: Edin?
Dzeko: What’s up?
Lukaku: So you two are…?
Dzeko: We’re BFFs. Ain’t that right, Lautaro? We’re the DzeLau duo
Martinez. Yeah… I guess. We’re still working out on the name though.
Lukaku: I see.
Martinez: Wanna catch up after the match?
Lukaku: I’d love to, but I better go now. I’m gonna go find Ibrahimovic and come up with something nasty to say about his wife. She’s a lovely a lady, but you know, for old time’s sake.
Martinez: Sounds fun. Take care, Rom.
Lukaku: See you soon guys. And you, big Bosnian dude. Take care of Lautaro.
Dzeko: Don’t you worry about that.
Lukaku: From time to time, do some hand gesture celebration with him. He likes that.
Dzeko: No idea what you’re talking about, but sure whatever.
Lukaku: And leave some goals to him. You don’t have to score them all.
Barella: Oh I wouldn’t worry about that. He’s “leaving” enough goals for all of us.
Dzeko: Shut up you little troll…
Lukaku: Peace out.
Inzaghi: Ok, we had enough drama already. Time to focus on the match. If someone has anything to say, please go ahead before we begin our tactical talk.
Conte: Hello gentlemen.
De Vrij: OMG! The boss is here!
Gagliardini: Welcome back, mister!
Bastoni: The best coach in the world is in da house.
Inzaghi: Beppe, make this man go away. I don’t feel comfortable in his presence.
Marotta: Ok Antonio, let me guess. You’re here because you missed us and we’re your second family.
Conte: Oh come one, Beppe. You among all people should know me better by now. Second family? I barely ever miss my actual family.
Marotta: So why are you here then?
Conte: The truth is… I miss…. winning!
Marotta: Then why in the world did you sign for Spurs?
Paratici: There you are, Antonio. I thought I’d find you lurking somewhere around your old trophies. Come one let’s go back before Daniel Levy notices our absence. He’ll send his dogs chasing after us. You know, the ones that chase Harry Kane every time he tries to escape to Manchester City.
Marotta: Oh right, Judas persuaded you.
Calhanoglu: Too many traitors in here for my liking.
Conte: I don’t want to come back to that place.
Paratici: Come on man, I brought you some Juventus rejects who are eager to meet you.
Conte: No! I’m sick of losing matches… and for some reason we have to play Chelsea every week in seven different competitions.
Paratici: You’re missing the big picture my friend. We don’t have to win at Spurs.
Conte: We don’t?
Paratici: No, not really. Well of course we should win a match every now and then, perhaps a derby against Arsenal, but when it comes to titles and stuff… don’t even bother.
Conte: Then what’s the point?
Paratici: Well, Levy gives us some money to spend, we buy some new players, most of them end up flopping, but whatever, it gets the fans excited, and by the end of the season, well, we tell them we’ll try again next year.
Conte: I don’t know. I kinda like winning.
Paratici: Oh we all do, my dear Antonio, but for now let us enjoy the English riches and forget about those little details.
Conte: You always have the right words to say, Fabio.
Marotta: But never the right transfers.
Paratici: Come on, let’s go home, buddy. I’ll buy a wingback on the way, huh?
Conte: A good one?
Paratici: Not necessarily. But we’ll report an inflated value and register some capital gain. It will be fun, you’ll see.
Conte: Is that a safe thing to do?
Paratici: Oh come on, what could possibly go wrong?
Conte: Let’s go then. Goodbye poor fellas. London is calling!
Inzaghi: Ok, I swear on Immobile’s name, if one more guy from the archive walks in, I’m quitting!
Icardi: Hey guys, in case Wanda calls, I’ve been here with you the whole weekend.