The Calcio Parody: Conte Leads Anti-Mancini Coalition

The Calcio Parody makes its triumphant return with its 5th edition, so keep your good and reasonable senses at the door, and check out Italian football as you’ve never seen it before. Serie A coaches rarely agree on anything at all, though they mostly share the same feelings of loathe towards the referees, their crazy presidents, and most of all the international break.

So, in this episode, we take you inside a secret meeting attended by all Serie A managers after receiving cryptic invitations from Inter boss Antonio Conte who has a not-so-decent offer for Italy coach Roberto Mancini.

Disclaimer: The ideas and jokes contained in this parody article do not reflect the website’s view on the raised topics. In fact, the Cult of Calcio would happily announce the immediate sacking of the writer based on any complaint made towards the article. Just write a complaint and you’ll see. 

Conte: Brothers in injustice, thank you for accepting my invitation for our secret emergency meeting. Our situation is unbearable at this point.

Pioli: So you invited us all here and asked us to dress up like the Night’s Watch so you could complain about Inter’s defensive issues?

Conte: No, lucky Stefano, I invited you all so we can discuss a plan to end the international break once and for all! In a few minutes we’ll address Roberto Mancini via Skype. But first we need to come up with a plan to end our monthly torture.

De Zerbi: Agreed. We’ve all had our fair share of injuries and positive testings. And for what? A competition that no one cares about? 

Conte: Good to see that all of you are behind me in this one. 

Pioli: Unlike in the league table. 

Conte: Shut up Stefano before I expel you from the meeting!

Di Francesco: And who exactly set you as our leader Antonio?

Conte: Well as you can all see, I’m the only one here with a Scudetto to his name.

Allegri: And how do your three Scudetto titles compare to my six?

Conte: Hey, who brought you here Max?! This meeting is for ACTIVE managers. Which you’re not.

Allegri: Of course I’m not. How else would you explain the fact that so many losers like you are enjoying their little title race? There was never such thing as a Scudetto race during the good old days of Mad Max!

Pirlo: Can we please stop using the S word? It’s beginning to stress me out. I have a cold inexpressive image to maintain.

Allegri: Anyway, I’ll leave you all to play your little games for the meantime. But perhaps I’ll see you all soon enough. Ciao… Andrea.

Conte: Yeah, good luck with taking over a team that I haven’t built myself. Let’s get back to business shall we? Anyone has an idea he’d like to share?

Simone Inzaghi: I do

Conte: Anyone interesting?… Ok then, Simone.

Simone Inzaghi: Thank you. After spending 40 years in the shadow of my older brother, I’m grateful to earn the respect and attention which I clearly deserve, and I’d like to say…

Gattuso: Hey Pippo, remember that time when you won us a Champions League by scoring with your belly?

Filippo Inzaghi: Pirlo’s shot almost took my lungs out. But still the best night of my career.

Pirlo: Those were the days. A great Milan side. World class players, top manager. Unlike those clowns who coached Milan afterwards.

Filippo Inzaghi: (Cough)

Gattuso: (Cough)

Mihajlovic: (Cough)

Giampaolo: (Double-Cough)

Conte: Ok we’re not here to discuss the city’s second biggest club. Mancini will appear on screen any second now, so pull up your hoods and try to hide your pathetic real identities. Except for you, Vincenzo Italiano, no one knows who you are anyway.

Mancini: Hello fellas.

Liverani: Kill him!

Gattuso: Let’s squeeze his head with our hands!

Pirlo: Burn him alive after taking out his entrails and feeding it to the dogs! 

Conte: What the heck?!

Pirlo: I’m sorry, it’s been a stressful time.

Gattuso: You’re scaring me bro. That wasn’t cool.

Mancini: Yes I’m doing fine despite testing positive. Thanks for asking. So I see that Antonio managed to gather you all inside Inter’s locker-room.

Conte: How did you know it’s us?! And the location?!

Mancini: Oh please, I used to to run this locker-room when you were still counting your hairs on two hands. I can easily recognize you all despite your little Halloween customs. There’s the two Inzaghis, the one who never scored and the other who can’t keep a single coaching job. Is that Beppe Iachini in there? Didn’t Fiorentina already sack you?

Iachini: I don’t know. They can’t sack me with my phone turned off. See? And they say I lack the tactical shrewdness. Take some notes, Pirlo.

Mancini: Wait a second. What on earth are doing there, Sinisa?! We’ve been friends and mates for almost 30 years. I taught you everything I know about coaching.

Mihajlovic: Exactly, and after more than 10 years of coaching I’m still stuck at Bologna. Thank you, “Wise Master”.

Mancini: Ok, I think I understand why you guys are so angry. You’re worried that your already exhausted players could get injured or infected during a useless international break.

Maran: Actually my Genoa players are so bad that no one is calling them anyway. But Conte promised this was going to be a buffet dinner.

Conte: Well it was supposed to be. But then I found out that cheap Marotta was planning on cutting the expenses from my wing-backs summer budget. Anyway you have two options Roberto. Either call off the international break altogether, or you go on with your silly European competition using the players that we deem affordable. From my part, you’re allowed to call our great center-Back Andrea Ranocchia.

Pioli: Milan will contribute with Andrea Conti and the other Donnarumma.

Fonseca: Davide Santon, maybe?

Pirlo: I guess you can keep Bernardeschi, so we’re cool.

Mancini: Well it’s a very.. Generous offer one must admit, but I’m afraid I’ll have to politely decline it. You see, gentlemen, I was previously informed of this meeting by one of the attendants.

Ranieri: oops! I thought we were just enjoying an amicable chat.

Mancini: Indeed we were Claudio, very amicable and very fruitful as well. But you see guys, I’m beginning to get sick of your never ending childish complaints, as well as your lack of patriotism. Thus, I decided to make a quick ending to this farce.

Simone Inzaghi: Oh my God! He’s sending his players to shoot us down!

Mancini: Actually I thought of that, Simone, but you see, Immobile doesn’t really shoot on target for me the way he does for you. So instead I had to rely on the National Darts team, I heard that their new captain is an expert in break-ins. Plus he knows his way around the Inter locker-room. And most importantly, he enjoys practicing darts on living human flesh.

(Door Slams open) 

Balotelli: So… Not a single one of you fools was interested in a free-agent world class striker? It’s alright, after all, being without a club allowed me to pursue my real passion. And I warn you, my darts score is even better than my penalty record!

Mancini: Let the games begin!