In this special edition of the Calcio Parody, we’ll be celebrating a major milestone. And no it’s not Cristiano Ronaldo’s 50,000th penalty goal, but it’s actually the Cult of Calcio’s 1000th published article!
To celebrate the occasion, we’ll be taking you live inside the CoC studios in Amsterdam – or maybe it’s just our Whatsapp group, just let your imagination choose – as you’ll find out how our Newsroom actually works (hmm does it work actually?!)
Editor-in-chief, co-founder and Whatsapp group admin Matteo Carnevale is the man in charge. Alongside him is the co-founder, media manager, the evil-maniac Diego Ottaviano. The rest of the crew is composed by the UK’s top rising journalist Luke Phelps, Pakistan’s greatest scouting analyst Taimoor Khan, his compatriot Awais “007” Khan, Fantasy Football specialist Eduard Banulescu, comeback kid Renato Boschetti, and finally the town’s resident clown, from Lebanon, yours truly, Michel Sakr…
Disclaimer: This is a parody article, the action portrayed below didn’t actually take place, although it is actually based on a pretty similar story. And please note that the characters mentioned below are only satirical versions of ourselves… In reality, we’re much much worse human-beings than that. We’re despicable really.
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Matteo: Good morning, gentlemen. Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend!
Michel: Is it the weekend already? We’ve been covering the matches and the news for the last two months non-stop that we’ve actually lost track of the weekdays.
Awais: Yeah, if I had social life I’d be very angry right now.
Matteo: Ok, cheer up guys. I’ve actually brought someone who can help us all. Please welcome our newest writer Renato.
Renato: Hi guys!
Diego: Welcome Renato! Forza Napoli!
Matteo: I’m actually considering making him a supervisor.
Taimoor: What?! He just got here!
Michel: It’s because he’s Italian isn’t it?
Matteo: No, it’s because he’s a Milan fan, which is a signal of his superior understanding of the game.
Diego: At least he knows better than Michel and his cheating team. Forza Napoli!
Michel: At least my team shows up for the matches.
Diego: Not when it’s a Champions League final HAHAHA Forza Napoli!
Matteo: Ok guys let’s focus. We have a long day. Now who has an idea for the first article of the day?
Luke: I heard somewhere that Juventus are interested in Raheem Sterling.
Michel: Are we speaking about my Juventus? Not before he’s 35.
Awais: No way. He won’t leave Man City.
Diego: Only Napoli can sign him.
Matteo: Let me do some calculations. Over-hyped English player + over-hyped Italian team = BIG BIG VIEWS. Let’s go for it, Luke! By the way, the Roma derby is currently taking place. Who’s covering it?
Awais: I’m writing the match report.
Michel: And I’m doing the player ratings. Judging individuals who are running and working hard for an hour and a half while sitting on my comfortable couch eating a candy bar is a dishonorable task which only I can pull off.
Matteo: Umm that’s nice. But shouldn’t you guys be paying more attention to the match itself?
Awais: Nah. We’re writers, not watchers.
Michel: Exactly. I haven’t watched a Roman derby since the Montella days.
Taimoor: You mean when he coached Roma in 2011?
Michel: No I meant when he played alongside Totti and Batistuta. Wait, Montella is a coach now? When did that happen?!
Matteo: Dear God. Guys I don’t feel good about this approach of yours.
Awais: Don’t worry Matteo, I’ve already written 2478 words in my upcoming recap.
Matteo: But it’s supposed to be 500 words recap! And we’re only 25 minutes through the match!
Michel: And I’ve actually finished my player ratings. You can go ahead and publish it. See, we got your back, man.
Matteo: How can you write the ratings before the match finishes?!
Michel: Relax, we’re professionals here. I’ve been doing this for a long time now… Like a few weeks or so. Don’t tell me how to do my job. I know what happens in the Roma derby. Some brawls here and there, a red card or two for each side, and then Caicedo scores the last second winner for Lazio.
Awais: In my recap it’s mostly the same, but it’s actually Dzeko who scores the winner for Roma.
Michel: Well then we must sort it out. Or else we’ll look like amateurs.
Awais: You think we should actually follow the match for once?
Michel: You mean like actual football fans? I don’t know about that.
Awais: That was a joke, man. Of course not.
Renato: Hey guys, why don’t you both maintain your scenarios and we’ll let the readers decide which one they like better. You know, making the website a little bit more interactive.
Awais: Genius idea really!
Michel: He’s one of us! Let’s make him the new editor-in-chief. He’s Italian so he’s eligible by law.
Renato: Thanks guys, but I believe Matteo is still in charge.
Awais: If this is your wish, my lord, Matteo can keep his job.
Matteo: Well thanks a lot guys. So, we still need some ideas for our next pieces.
Luke: The Sterling article is done. Now here’s another story for you. Newcastle are set to sign a young Polish prospect called Jakubisiech Jordizczsujctek.
Taimoor: 19-years-old, central-midfielder, right-footed, 177 cm, 85 kg, currently dating the girl next door.
Matteo: Good scouting. But I don’t see what this story has to do with Italy.
Luke: They sealed the deal in the town’s local Pizza shop.
Awais: Well this explains the 85 kg.
Matteo: Good enough!
Michel: Wait! We have some breaking news that we need to report. Juventus are getting relegated to Serie C for their part in the Suarez Italian exam.
Matteo: I don’t know, Michel. I’d love to write about that but Juventus getting demoted is not exactly a new occurrence. I still prefer the freshness of the Pizza deal.
Michel: Never mind. Juventus are not really getting relegated. It seems that someone hacked my Google news feed.
Diego: Yeah, “someone” HAHAHAHA. You’re getting relegated eventually, I’m just speeding up the process.
Matteo: Guys, please welcome to the group Mr. Eduard Banulescu. He’s our fantasy football expert.
Awais: Welcome Eduard. I actually worked in fantasy myself.
Eduard: Oh cool. Which football leagues did you cover?
Awais: Who said anything about football? My fantasy experience was… A bit different. I’ll share the details in private chat.
Luke: The Hungarian kid article is done!
Matteo: Already?! Well done Luke! I can smell the views already. Alright guys, time for one last piece before we call it a day. Do you have anything left in store?
Taimoor: Well I’m glad you asked. I found some videos for this 17-year-old Italian striker in the Perugia academy, and I have to say, I haven’t seen anything like this kid before. We MUST do a scouting report on him, Matteo.
Matteo: Well if we must then…
Luke: I can write a piece about Vinny Marella’s move to West Hornshire. This could get us more views from Britain.
Taimoor: Who’s Vinny Marella?
Renato: Where’s West Hornshire?
Diego: What’s Britain?
Luke: @Diego It’s like a big island to the northern west of France where I actually live.
Diego: Aloha! I didn’t know you live on an island. I tell you what, I’m gonna get my swimsuit and my sunscreen and come pay you a visit real soon.
Luke: Umm sure, mate. Anyway, West Hornshire is a club nearby which plays in the local Sunday league. Lately they have been doing some solid work on the market and even managed to lower the average age of the squad to 47. And now, they are set to sign Vinny Marella, a former betting agent who has just finished his prison sentence due to some alleged fraudulent business.
Matteo: Hmm, I like the back story behind this one. Is it coming from a valid source?
Luke: Sure thing. My neighbor is their sporting director. He swore on his four remaining teeth that Vinny Barella is pretty much a West Hornshire player.
Matteo: Ok, let me think which idea to choose.
Taimoor: I’m telling you, Matteo. This kid at Perugia is incredible. He’s like a mixture between Roberto Baggio and Lorenzo Insigne.
Luke: My neighbor says Vinny possesses that Italian charm and elegance but also has a scare on his face. He’s like a mixture between Michael Corleone and Tony Montana.
Matteo: Sold! Let’s go with Luke’s idea.
Taimoor: What??
Matteo: Don’t take it too personally Taimoor, I’m sure your guy is great. But come on man, we’re talking about the next Tony Montana! “Say hello to my little friend!”
Eduard: My fantasy tips for next weekend: You better get Vinny, or Vinny will get you.
Matteo: Final thoughts
Luke: Marella’s article is done!
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Note from the Editor-in-Chief: Alright folks, perhaps this is not exactly what’s happening during one of our meetings. Or maybe yes. But what really matters to us is that we are having much fun in this journey and moreover forging some cool virtual friendships.
Diego and I created The Cult of Calcio three years and a half ago and it was supposed to be “just for fun.” We couldn’t imagine that one day we would be jumping from one meeting to another with calcio lovers from all over the world between our days jobs to share our passion for football with an international audience. And, hey, if that wasn’t clear – we think this is amazingly cool and we love it!
But if the Cult of Calcio survived for the three years so far – and we hope it will for many more – it’s also thanks to many additional friends and contributors who are part of the journey or have been part of it at some point.
So, on top of Michel Sakr, Awais Khan, Taimoor Khan, Luke Phelps, Eduard Banulescu, and Renato Boschetti – who were doomed to be included in this parody, we would also like to thank – in no special order:
Paolo Turchi, Paolo Bozzelli, Carlos Molano, Fabrizio Alla, Abdullah Bashiti, Kolade Daniel, Enrico Passarella, Paulius Kundzelevicius, Ed Summers, Bachir Keyrouz, Marco Celani, Thomas Salvatori, Avram Iclozan, Din Havolli, Andrea Salvarezza, Antonio Guarini, Andreas Duhn, Nedim Maric, Amanda Bernard, and Marco Perrotta.